Monday, December 20, 2010

Things as they stand now

Well, I have come up with my latest brilliant scheme for conquest! You see, there are several chain stores around this town, ones that I wish to acquire. The trouble I face is that I really, really don't want to get under the watchful eye of their barristers or, in the case of Wal-Mart, the horrible eldritch monster pulling the strings. So I have come up with a plan with a bit more subtlety than I normally use. I will strike one of these stores, probably the near Park Mall due to its heavy amount of stuff, stealing everything into several bags of holding I have prepared. I will probably have to bring several of my thugs for the other bags, and the shapeshifter to help. The later is due to the fact that he refuses to shut up about wanting to go, and sewing his lips together doesn't work

 I have gotten the idea from your program about this "Grinch" fellow stealing Christmas (Apparently the name for this solstice holiday of yours), an effort which I surely applaud. Except for the part about the reforming and his heart growing three sizes that day. Of course, this should trouble me little given that my heart is a lump of charred meat filled with black magic and hate. Sure as fuck beats getting inspiration from the other christmas specials. You're the fucking personifications of elemental ice and fire, just kill them instead of singing your stupid little rinky-dink showtunes!

The dog is fine, and seems to be recovering as well. He is one of the few animals that I have met that does not despise my existence. It gets very annoying after a while to go through a stroll through the woods, and end with several wolves jaw-clamped on you like a fur coat of biting and pain (Dear Kyuss I need to make that into a magic item), so this is a good development. He seems to enjoy my company especially, and is currently licking my hand, which is especially odd given that I have made even Otyughs (For those of you don't know, think a trash-eating tentacled sewer-dwelling crocodile) pass out from just a lick of my phalange. Oh well,

Anyway, though he is one of the few creatures in the world that hates the Shapeshifter as much as I do, a fact which I applaud, he will make a poor guard dog, given his lack of stature and the fact that the little thing seems to suck all of the dignity in a room just by abiding there. It's like having a little clown traipsing through the room and climbing on my shoulder like a fat little parrot every time I try to make a speech to the minions in my basement. However, this hasn't discouraged me from trying to use him. I'll just have to try and find a way to create a magical weapon powered by irrational exuberance.

Well, next time I will tell you of the tale of Tiamat and the Ur-Elemental, and a bit on the Trogre himself, but until then my filthy peons, adieu!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I have acquired a small dog now

Yes, well the title is fairly self-explanitory. Apparently that knock at the door was not so much a "knock" as it was a "pathetic scraping", which I probably should have seen as a big tip off right there. I didn't see anything there when I opened it up, so I assumed it was the Shapeshifter's severed arm putzing with me again. Until I heard the whimpering and crying. I don't really know how I didn't hear that. Maybe it was the Tocatta and Fugue that I put on, but I digress.

It was a little dog, bleeding out on my front porch. Apparently you call this breed "pugs". The Duegar of my world have a similar breed, though in their language its name means something to the effect of "delicious meat-cake", but again I digress. I rarely get sentimental, but this little creature had the saddest little eyes I have ever seen, even moreso than those halflings whose town I torched back in Longran. It looked like it was truly alone in this world, like from the day it was born it had been unloved, toiling away for the meagerest of scraps in cold, hard moonlit streets that had shown it no mercy as the "heroes" who had murdered his family walked free and I think I am talking about myself again aren't I?

Anyway, digression aside, I saw a something of a kindred spirit in this little animal, bleeding and battered at my front doorstep. The Sorceress is healing it as we speak. I would do so myself, but I can't get within a hundred yards of healing magic for obvious reasons. I hope the little guy survives.

On the business side of things, the Trogre plan went off without a hitch. And, we apparently went memetic on 4-chan with this new "El Demonio Rey, Lord of Trolls" thing going on at /tg/. I can't say that I am not proud my filthy peons. But, I'm still pissed that I missed the 4th Avenue Street Fair because of that damned shapeshifter.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Yes, well, the law of Murphy has just made me its bitch. You know that matter I was called away for on that last post? Well, it has hit the fan. Apparently two of the gang members got caught while trying to collect, and wouldn't you know it, they took the Hoop of Mordenakiden's Magnificent Mansion and put it in the evidence file. This is bad. I always could make another one, but what would happen if they found out how to use it?! Or, worse yet, they break it. It's a little know fact that the enchantment for making said hoop has a clause that, when the hoop is broken, the mansion manifests in the real world. All fifty thousand tons of it. Either way, it would be like giving a monkey a crossbow, which is always amusing UNTIL YOU ARE RIGHT IN THE LINE OF FIRE! And what if they connect the dots and find out that El Demonio Rey; the scary; ranting skeleton man in a luchador mask, is actually Asmodeus Acerak; the scary; ranting skeleton man in a crown and robe?! It would be chaos I tell you, CHAOS!

So, for these last few days, I've been searching for the Shapeshifter. And for the amount of times he is in my hair, I could not for the life of me find him. I looked everywhere, even using Locate Person (Although all that did was give me an image of a hand extending one finger, I think you can guess which). And you know where it is that I found him? MY FUCKING BATHROOM! The one place I never use, and he's there. And don't think this was an accident, he specifically did this just to piss me off. It was around the point he said "You should have seen the look on your face" that things began to get a bit hazy. Needless to say he is currently a very sore array of parts on the floor slowly struggling to reform.

So, now I have decided "You know what, fuck it. Just fuck it", and sent the Trogre out to get it. Nobody  outside the house knows he exists, and for the most part he keeps to himself and his little rabbit farm. Besides, having a three-ton monster come to retrieve your crap is a great way to strike fear into the hearts of mortal men! Well that, or set yourself up for massive disappointment as he catches a raging attack of stupid. And I think I hear another knock at the door. I presume this means that either the Ur-Elemental's "tinkering" has bothered the neighbors yet-again, or one of the gang members just became a member of the Sorceress' "target practice". Until then, adieu my filthy peons.

Friday, December 3, 2010

On Gods

Well my filthy peons, on the issue of the next place to attack, I am deciding to wait until the 4th Avenue Street Fair to attack 4th Avenue, due to the fear it has struck in the hearts of men. Only trouble is, I don't know where to attack. I thought about the Wal-Mart, mainly as a source of rations and ammunition, but the aura of evil around the place makes me woozy. And I have far too much class to attack K-Mart. So, I'm still undecided on that.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Were' here to talk about wicked Gods, and my experiences thereof. Now, I am not much of a theist, given that I can't step within fifty feet of a church without bursting into flame, but I have found that the wickeder gods are useful for allying with. So, here are my experiences with the darker gods. As you'll notice, my gods bear a striking similarity to the gods of your roleplaying games. I really don't understand how that came to be, but it's easy for reference. 

Lolth- Working with Lolth's followers is like screaming to the heavens "HEY! I AM AN IDIOT WHO DESERVES TO BE LYING DEAD WITH A KNIFE IN MY BACK IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN CORNER OF THE UNDERDARK!" Plus, I hate spiders. Next!

Zehir. Same as with Lolth, except with the addendum of Number 34 of the Evil Overlord List "I will not turn into a snake. It never helps".


Khorne- What I like about his followers is that they are very, very easy to manipulate. You just scream "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" and they kill whatever you want them too. Sadly, I had to leave them be (And by that I mean run screaming away) when they discovered that I used magic and decided that my head would look very fetching on their master's skull throne

Slaanesh- THOSE SEX STAINS WILL NEVER COME OUT OF MY CARPET! Pass on worshipping her/him/it.

Tzeench- The trouble with him is that he and his followers are always scheming. which is admirable when you're planning a scheme with him but not so much when you're chatting with a cultist. One minute you're sipping on a cup of tea with them ,the next you wake up in a cauldron of ice with a kidney missing. Joke's on them, as I don't even have a kidney anymore. Although, they are a good way to get rid of minions you hate and make yourself a new regimen of horrible-blob-things all at once. 

Nurgle- Doesn't count, too "touchy-feely" for my taste. And plus, what he sees as "glorious gifts of plague and rot", I see as "potential for having one's own side start crapping out their own intestines"

That's all I can come up with now. Maybe I'll speak of some more later, especially Tiamat. Dear god, the stories I have to tell about her. Right now I'm hearing the sorceress talking about something phone-wise with my gang. And whatever it is, it sounds very ominous.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

This day you call "Thanksgiving"...

Well, apparently this is a holiday in your world. I really had no idea it was coming up, I assumed that the imagery of religious pilgrims and turkeys in your grocery stores was to prepare your people for the ritual slaughter of turkeys. Apparently, from what I have seen on your television it involves football, hedonistic gluttony and genocide of indigenous peoples. Sounds just like the Drow's yearly "Koboldball" game. Dear sweet Jesus they had good unspecified-meat-pie. Such a shame then that I BLEW IT UP WITH MY HORDE OF GOBORCS HA HA HA!


I don't have to apologize to you. And besides, they were cutting their meat-pies with ankheg and dwarf baby. So, I prepared a feast with my ill-gotten downtown money and a bit of magic to prepare it. And no, I did not use a "Summon Food and Drink" spell. Everything that spell makes always tastes like cardboard coated sawdust, EUGH. And so, out of a whim, I have decided to compile a list of my thanks today. Because I feel like it that's why. So, here they are:

* I am thankful that I am not dead from the thousands and thousands of heroes sent to murder me.
* I am thankful that we were able to safely evacuate the house when the Ur-Elemental poured that tank of Mr. Clean upon that tank of Clorox to make a Chlorine elemental.
* I am thankful that the cops are too concerned with the Mexicans fleeing economic destitution to our shore than by my blatant hostile takeover of a major chunk of the city.
* I am thankful that was able to install several "Wands of Magic Missile" and "Wands of Binding Chains" under the hood of my car
* I am also thankful that the materials to make said wands are surprisingly easy to get at any local Party City.
* I am thankful that the Trogre did not eat any of my men.
* I am thankful that the dump sells toxic waste barrels in bulk with little-to-no-questions asked.
* I am thankful that the Sorceress is here to beat my henchmen with a stick when they get out of line, and to cover up the holes in my plans.
* I am thankful to all the readers of my blog, yes all ONE of you.
* And Finally, I am thankful for hot wings. Orcus-damn these things are good.

Well, that's all for tonight my filthy peons! See you at a hopefully not-too-delayed date!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I apologize for my lack of postage

My peons, I notice that I have been lacking in the amount of my posts as of late. This is inexcusable. I know I have said that before, but I will say it again, this is inexcusable! The reason for this is simple. The shapeshifter keeps stealing away computer parts in the night, and I keep having to go on a merry little treasure hunt to find them, put them back together, and then attempt to type out a post before he tries it again. I hate him so. The reason I have not mentioned this in the past is because I don't believe in showing weakness. You show that you're a sensitive guy, maybe even with a sympathetic side, and then you die hideously, usually in some hi-lariously ironic manner. I have been thrown off more cliffs by more apprentices-turned do-gooders than you can possibly imagine. But, anyway, thanks to the miracle of techno-magic (And yes, that is what I'm calling it from then on) I have rigged this computer so that whenever he touches it, he will catch fire. TRY AND GET PAST THAT ONE YOU COCK-MONGER!

Well, on the front of here, we're deciding where we want to conquer next, given that progress on making the Pot of Laundering is going well, and collections are going smoothly (It's amazing how easily it is to make a hula-hoop into a Portal of Mordenkaiden's Magnificent Mansion). That god-forsaken hippie nest 4th Avenue looks promising, but I would rather wait until the street fair for that. I want to have plenty of people to spread the word of my glorious conquest! That and I want a better opportunity to steal from the food vendors. Hey, it's expensive to keep a legion of monsters fed, and those rations I took from the parade are still there.

Well, that's all for this update. I think I hear my order from Wing Stop at the door.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Miscelaney because I'm bored

Well, I've just sent off another two of the "boys" (specifically one of the Gnolls with a Drow escort) to collect on my "payment" from the downtown area, with some feature-obscuring spells and one of your "guns" borrowed from one of the Manos Locos. God damn, I need to buy one of those things for myself someday, maybe put a few enchantments on it. Beats those fucking swords, that's for sure. I do not quite understand why your culture idolizes the sword so much when, from what I've seen, the gun works way better. I mean, it's a mini cannon for Grazzit's sake! I would have razed continents for the schematics to one!

Also, on the profits to be gained from the coming ventures, apparently with your paper money, one has to "launder" it so that nobody knows that it was stolen, exchange it for money that wasn't stolen. It's not like in my world where you can just, I don't know, MELT DOWN the gold you took. Of course, I'm going to make an artifact to do it, but I don't get that. And apparently you can't even melt down the spare change, or so the Sorceress told me.

The Ur-Elemental has been making great progress on his work, by which I mean there have been several explosions coming from his room. Apparently he's been working with "Alaki metals" which are metals that explode when exposed to air. Apparently he's been trying to work around the "explodes with air"thing, and judging by the stains on the wall he hasn't been doing very well. Still, I do love the concept. That, and I wish I could show it to the alchemists at the Bleak Academy to rub it in their snooty little faces the one thing they haven't tried to make, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, I have to be leaving. I think I hear the Trogre chewing on one of my men. Why in god's name do they always have to jump the fence?! Adieu filthy peons!

Sunday, November 14, 2010



As you can tell, I've been having avery good last few days. The raid on Downtown went well. Before I had my glorious conquest, I took a look around the place. One should appraise ones soon-to-be-holdings after all. I have to say, it was very nice. The nightlife was wonderful, Club Congress was excellent, and there was a wonderfully morbid art show being held. But, as always, I had to get down to business. The gang was lurking around, harassing and jackassing about with my minions I brought here. I have to say that they do seem to be getting along well enough.

Anyway, so I gave them the signal, hid in the shadows to put on the El Demonio Rey costume, and climbed up to the tallest of your towers near where the most people were lurking. I then, through the miracle of magical voice projection, started my magically-projected speech. It was, again, the sort of ranting and gesticulating I put at the beginning of this post, albeit far longer and more verbose, but you get the drift. One poor sap tried to fire a pistol at me, but a quick Web spell took care of him. I gave the whistle to get the boys to start mucking things up, and boy oh boy did they. I especially am appreciative of the guy who took care to steal all the food he could carry as well as the money. Dear Bane that meat-on-a-stick is good. I did some magic myself too as I spoke of the tithe, like Whirlwind of Teeth, Crushing Fist of Spite and Prismatic spray to be specific, mainly due to their flashiness. As the cops rolled it, I jumped off the building immediately, to the shock and amazement of the crowd below, and just as they opened fire, I opened that portal to Mordenkaiden's Magnificent Mansion below, and went straight in, and the rest of the gang soon followed.

Overall, I would say it was a success. We wrere o nthe news, they called us menaces to the town, the people acted in general like frightened nit-wits (that is, at least the ones who didn't think it was an elaborate show), so overall I'm pleased with last night. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get me some hotwings and figure out how we're going to collect the tithe without getting caught.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Okay, I lied about the tomorrow thing.


Anyway, on that parade that went straight to hell. you see, I had heard from The Sorceress that there was a Day of the Dead parade going on in this town. Apparently this is a holy day for the people below your southern borders. I really don't get how a holiday with lots of skulls that mocks death isn't itching for some necromancer to make it into a "day I release the zombie hordes upon the world" say, but then there you go. I had also heard that every second saturday of every month, like this coming one, there was a huge event where the people would go downtown to browse and carouse the city, and downtown is also where said Day of the Dead parade happened to be.

So I went there in that little rust-heap of a car and cavorted about. It started out fantastic, I let out my schpiel, backstory, rants about world conquest, the usual sort of thing, though my rotten vocal cords gave out after the first twenty minutes and I had to pick a few pockets clean of water-flasks to keep them from snapping in two. It takes forever to repair them when they've cut clean through. To those of you from that event who are reading this blog I AM NOT SORRY! BEING EVIL MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY! But, I am surprised at how friendly you people were towards my ravings and rantings. Although some of them were probably mocking me. No matter, I'll know that day when I conquer this puny little town!

Anyway, it all went well until I got to the end. I mushed through the hordes of people, plodded through the sea of dropped trash and filth back to the car, only to find that, surprise of unpleasant surprises, it was gone. Well, I figured, I had a fleck of rust from it to scry on it through the looking glass, it shouldn't be too much trouble to find it. But, the walk back to the house was 15 blocks. And I had prepared no spells.   This is the point where I started to feel very, very peeved. I was, in order of occurence, peed on by a hobo, almost run over SEVERAL times by a roving band of drunkards, accosted by a gang of youths wearing pants far too loose to be reasonable (they are very lucky that I did not have the spell Summon Bear Horde on me), and chased all the way home by a horde of stray cats. I swear, those bastards can be mean. I should know, I've seen them kill a minion or two.

And the worst part of it is, I felt scared for the first time in a long while since I've been undead. I know that thanks to the enchantments on my phylactery, if I die I'll just reappear in the same spot after a few day. But, something about this night reminded me of the days when I was just a wee orphan, scrounging through trash-baskets on the streets in the cold, moon-haunted night, trying to stay out of sight of the roving gangs on the streets willing to cut a boy's gut open just for thrills. And it is with that fear that I decided that yes, I would go to that Second Saturday, and I would take downtown as my first place to conquer, at least to banish the memories away from my mind.

Anyway ,as i got home, do you know what i saw in the driveway. MY! FUCKING! CAR! The Sorceress told me the whole story from what she could gather. Basically, it turns out that the Shapeshifter had stowed away in my car, and had brought it back to the house. As she spoke, I heard the sound of a distinct giggling with glee right in the closet of the room. You can imagine my reaction at that moment, my reaction being that I STRANGLED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF HIM YAHA! NOT SO SMART NOW, ARE YOU YOU FUCKING TWIT! Yeah. I know he has no real neckhole, but that still felt damn good.

Oh, and on the visit from the new gang, it went actually surprisingly well. Sure, they made a mess out of the place, but less so than I expected, and they actually interacted very well with everyone. They didn't act too much like aphrodisiac-addled apes at The Sorceress (Though it helped that she said she knew the spell Infinite Loop of Castration), and they showed a gleeful, albeit somewhat immature, curiosity towards the Ur-Elemental, likewise with him and their guns (He said something about the possible applications, I just nodded and pretended to understand what he was getting at. They hit it off surprisingly well with the other lesser minions, though surprisingly enough it was the Drow they got along best with. Probably because they didn't know he was trying to manipulate them, but you take what you can get. And we agreed on one thing: On Saturday, we strike Downtown.

Until then my filthy peons, until then.

Monday, November 8, 2010

No excuse for lollygagging!

Well my filthy peons, I have been lazy over this past week and not updated at all. I'd like to say it was due to scheming and writing out plans, and enchanting my weapons and automatons for my glorious crusade for WORLD DOMINATION! I'd like to say that, but then I'd be lying. I've mostly spent this week watching nonsense on You Tube and traipesing about town in my car.

Yes, I did finally get a car. I got my license recently, due in no small part to bribery, magic, and the fact that when you're a lich, it's kind of a required job skill to be a good learner so that you don't turn into a pile of bones on the ground when performing the ritual. I bought a Pinto from some little rinky-dink used car lot from some fellow from south of the border with a mustache big enough to choke a beholder. It looks like it's made of fifty percent rust and smells heavily of urine, which I still cannot get out. I have done a little bit of magic on it to try and make it less terrible, making the engine run better, making it look better with judicious use of Shape Metal , and attempting (and failing) to get the smell of urine out. The Ur-Elemental is excited about it because apparently it has some sort of connection with elemental fire.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention him. His research is showing some decent results. When he came to me in giddy glee with a firey smile splitting his "face" (if you can call it that) in twain, I was worried. Because, he has two modes: stoic and mysterious and giddy as a kid on Christmas day. When he's in "giddy mode" the results are either A) Incredibly useful, or B) incredibly painful, and I've been on the losing end of that roulette wheel enough times to be very afraid. So, I walked in, took a look, and... well, there was jack all in there I could see, other than the usual elemental maelstrom. At least until he pointed it out to me. It was little man, "feet" clacking about on the churning stone/air mix he called a table. It was pure black, and I soon learned it was graphite after it had drawn several uncomfortably detailed pictures of phalluses on my skull. Of course, he also drew the Mona Lisa in miniature there too. Elementals are weird. Anyway, he said that apparently graphite is made up of purely what you peons call "carbon", and thus the little creature shows that you apparently can make elementals out of the substances you call "elements" (again, how in the name of Tzeench is gold or copper anything close to an element?!).

I'd be annoyed with this given his unmitigated glee at the stupid little thing and the many pictures of phalluses I had to wash off my skull, but there does seem to be that there could be far more useful applications for research than the tiny graphite things, so I'm not too mad. Also, I hear that diamond in made entirely out of the same element as graphite, so If i can ever get enough gold back from my home maybe we can have A DIAMOND ELEMENTAL!. Again, I ask you, how in the name of Bocob does that work?!

Anyway, there's another reason for why I haven't updated sooner, and it all has to do with one of your Day of the Dead parades gone horribly wrong. I'd elaborate, but I hear my gang at the door, so I will have to speak of this later. Adieu!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The story on how I recruited them

Well, as I promised last night, here's how I got them.

The house was easy enough to get to, although the man at the gas station just laughed at me before he gave me the directions. The house smelled of cheap beer, the smoke of strange herbs, and what comes out when one drinks cheap beer. I heard voices, though they were mostly jabbering about stupid things, jailbreak plans for their boss and how they were going to steal more beer and "pot" (Apparently the name of said strange herbs). Mostly about the beer and "pot" though.

I stepped out into the living room, in my new garb as "El Demonio Rey" and the room suddenly hushed. Well, half of it hushed, the other half jabbered on in an intoxicated stupor until they noticed me and then hushed. I started to make a speech, the usual stuff I post whenever I'm trying to recruit for my glorious cause "Blah blah blah, why save your old incompetent leader when you could be a part of a glorious regime... Blah blah blah, join me and we will create a glorious new regime, blah blah bla-" and then they shot me. Repeatedly. Around three quarters of their shots missed, and the other few just put a few rips in my jacket. I then, in the most nonchalant voice I could muster up after being shot "That was PITIFUL! Your futile weapons pale in comparison to the power I have on tap!"

 I pulled all the stops out then, putting out Summon Hellfire, Wall of Eyes, Dancing Chains, Whirlwind of Teeth, Spider Legs, anything to get them to follow. They didn't bite, keeping on guessing "Hey, you musta got a little projector in there cuz", or "Nah man, it's robots, it's gotta be robots" or "Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?". And then, a little part of me snapped inside, as if a sheer Ray of Stupid (which is a real spell by the way) snapped through my brain and every cell cried out in agony. And then, I threw one of the last things I had had in the bag at them in utter and pure rage.

Fortunately, it was the correct thing. You see, I had been seeing if I could put a "Magic Mouth" spell on a CD player, just as a trifle because I was bored. I think I either brought it along by accident or the damn shapeshifter put it in hoping to screw me up (As you will see, that failed spectacularly so HA I WON YOU SON OF A BITCH!). And, wouldn't you know it, it hit one of them, a big lard ball of a man, right in the gut. It stuck, which I think was due to adding too much saliva into the mixture, and then it started singing that terrible salsa CD I'd put in, gut-flesh talking like a god-damn. I'd never thought much of that spell, I usually use giant floating heads to communicate with those meddlesome fools who dare intervene in my plans, but they were hooked. They looked at it like it was a miracle from hell or some crap like that, and then I clearly knew that I had them.

It was then that the deal was struck. They'd join with me, and I'd meet up with them next monday to formulate the first part of our glorious conquest along with the rest of my "crew". And I think I hear the Ur-Elemental calling me, so I bid you adieu. And yes, I realize this is late, but I got sidetracked. Don't ask me how.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Yes, I was successful in my grand endeavor to recruit that gang of ruffians. But, as of now ,I am far too exhausted to speak on it, so I"ll tell you peons all about it in the morning.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I have found it!

Yes my filthy peons, I have finally found my disguise, my new name, my new face by which I shall rule this puny world under my eventual neon throne!

It all started when I was at the Swap Meet this Saturday. I was worried about where I was going to find this new identity, and thought that taking a walk in the fresh air at the Swap Meet would be good for me as well as giving me a break from making my bag-o-magic that I will use to convince those hooligans to join my cause. Unfortunately, it did not do me any good, what with the paucity of goods that night, the horrible stench of man-sweat permeating the air, and the terrible salsa music blaring from the speaker of almost every car (For the record, I bought a CD of the worst of it to use as a torture device). And then, I saw it. The find of a lifetime, at some rinky-dink little booth selling Jesus pictures and tiny crucifixes, which I carefully avoided touching. There was a selection of masks, made for what I think you call "Lucha Libre", and as I walked across the dusty aisle, I saw it.

The mask was a positively evil looking thing, of far superior quality to the other masks. The shape of the pattern on the front, the horrible eyes, the twisted colors of red, orange and black, all of a devilish, yet regal cast. It was as if some dark god had placed this in front of me as an omen for success in my pursuit of conquest. I asked the woman where it came from, she said it just came in the box with the other masks, with a small note written inside. I looked upon the note and it said "El Demonio Rey". I bought it on the spot, knowing that this would be the ticket to my destiny.

I bought myself a leather jacket, blue jeans, and black boots to complete this new identity of mine. For, I will not begin my campaign of conquest under the name Asmodeus Acerak, but instead under the name EL DEMONIO REY, THE DEMON KING! And soon, all of you will know it well, as the first step on my campaign of conquest.

Oh, and by the way, Happy Halloween. Goodnight!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Getting down to brass tacks.

Peons! As of now, I have realized something. I have been doing about fuck-all as of late to advance my plans for world domination. Like many grand revelations, this came to me when I was slightly drunk. Oaky, very drunk. Okay, five bottles of Captain Morgan drunk. My plans were to conquer this world, to trample it under my hob-nailed boot and unite it under my iron chains of rule, but as of late all I have been doing is watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on YouTube. This is unforgivable!

But now, I have found the people who will be the first stepping stone of my plan for WORLD DOMINATION! You see, there is a gang in this town, that goes by the name Los Manos de Suerte. They are, quite frankly, the most unsuccessful gang I have ever seen, even compared to the ones of Willy the Questionable in my world. They are so pathetic that the police won't even try to follow them due to their incompetent. They appear of strong body and an intellect that is... tolerable, just held back by bad luck and inane leadership. I have seen them on one of your local news programs. Seems the leader had a bit of an accident involving a gun and tight pants, and now the stupid gang is leaderless. Scrying (You don't even want to know how I got that bit of hair to do that) revealed that they are meeting in an abandoned house by Broadway on Monday.

Now, it has been shown on this blog, that my fighting forces are not quite as up to snuff as I would prefer them to be (I will never forgive the goblins for that incident with the car). Not only that, but there are far fewer of them than I like, and the upper echelons I have brought with me (Along with that Golem) cannot make up for that fact (Not to mention that the Ur-Elemental's still stuck in his room, god knows what he's doing there). And so, these gang members, numbering in about thirty, could be the perfect way to bolster my forces until I can make the spell to summon reinforcements! With them as my army and I as its master, we shall raze the cities and burn the fields, an army to break the world in tow, Los Manos De Suerte and...

Crap. I have just realized that I have yet to come up with an identity to throw the cops off my trail. And the meeting with them is in two days! God damn am I in trouble! I'm just going to have to worry it over as I drift down to sleep.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Why I am going to be supervising my minions from now on.

Dear sweet Vecna I have been an idiot. You see, I brought minions with me through the portal, about 15 of them to be specific, mainly in preparation for my world-conquering plans. They are the most rigorously trained fighting force on the old world, every day working up their bodies and minds to steamroller this world with me as their leader, my glorious army shining as a beacon of darkness through a sea of light! They are also currently bored out of their skulls. They're getting bored with the TV I installed in their barracks, and most of them can't really read very well, so giving them books is out of the question. So, in the interest of preventing a boredom-induced mutiny, I let them go out and explore the town, making sure to scry on them through my crystal ball to intervene if they screwed up and telling them that if they didn't keep the "We're very avid cosplayers" ruse I would destroy them.

I really, really should not have let them do that. It was a disaster, everyone was screwing up. The Orcs were going on a raging bender, almost destroying the bar before I showed up, the Gnolls tried to rob a butcher shop and the stupid freaking goblins went on a stinking joyride! The one drow though was actually fairly decent, although he was buying a worrying amount of Rohypnol bottles.  You do not know how close a call it was, trying to teleport on each and every stupid stinking one of them. And the amount of gold I had to spend to keep them from calling the cops, not to mention the repair spells (Cleverly camouflaged by yours truly pretending to do hit things with a wrench as the spell worked its magic).

And if you're wondering how the goblins know how to drive a car when they haven't been in this world for very long, turns out they can't. I had to wrestle the wheel away from them when I teleported in. Turns out I can't drive either. At least I was able to cause less damage, and for some reason they called me a hero for saving (or at least making sure it was still salvageable) their car from those "midget ruffians" ( I swear to Torog that's what they actually said).

And I am never giving the Orcs booze after this! They would have turned the bar to rubble if I hadn't come along! I mean, it was like a pack of monkeys. They drank the whole damn bar dry, even the cleaning fluid! And two of them I found stuffed into the Centipede machine! I didn't even know they could contort like that!

From now on, I'm chaperoning them on their little trips out to make sure this never happens again. That and I'm giving them half-rations for a month, since they technically didn't break the ruse, but still need to be punished. And I am throwing away all that rohypnol, since god knows what that Drow is going to do with it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The actual god-damn scoop on demons.

Well, let's talk about demons my filthy peons, as I promised. I despise them. But, one must know how to deal with them, especially when they eventually come here and start fucking things up when I RULE THE WORLD! So, here's a stupid little article about them

 The first thing you must know is that most of them fit into two categories. The first is the KILL EVERYTHING kind, what in your D&D turbo-nerd terms would call "demons". They are obsessed with three things: murder, murder, and more murder. They are also morons. But they are deadly morons, usually with magic, stabby bits, scratchy bits, slammy bits, bitey bits, eye searingly horrible bits, blasts of any substance you can think of (God help you if you're blasted by an incubus) and jazz hands. Okay, not that last one, but you see my point. They are fairly easy to deal with using brute force, high explosives usually does the trick for me. Also, DO NOT HIRE THEM AT ANY COST! They will try and murder you without a second thought when they eventually get bored with you, and even before then they're utter rampaging cocks. You can never talk about anything with them without the subject turning to "killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill" or them talking about how stabbing a guy in the face is like fornicating. Oh dear Khorne I have heard more rants on that subject from them than I can count. Although, they do have excellent orgies.  Which I cannot join in due to my lack of genitals. Fuck.

The second kind of demon, the far more dangerous one, is the dealmakers, AKA the devils to all you grognards. These are the type that try and get you to sign over your immortal soul for something you really, really need/want that will usually screw you over any way due to the fact that they are unrepentant dicks. They try and position themselves as classy and elegant, when in reality they are more like your sleazy used car salesmen in nature. But I'll be damned if they aren't fucking good at it. One minute you're talking to them, and the next minute you've bought a mighty fortress that in actuality is a broken piece of crap with you're eternal soul. That actually happened to me once. Granted, the fucker died against the Terrasque trying to collect his due, but the point still stands. By the way, you probably aren't asking, what do they use the souls for? Well, part of it is magical power, part of it is building material, part of it is sexual lubricant. I was just as horrified to learn that last part as you probably were.

Anyway, the best way to deal with them is to just plug your ears and start singing (I recommend Rush's "Free Will" as a good choice) until they get annoyed and leave. It's that simple. Of course, you could get a really, really good lawyer to negotiate the deal so that you don't get screwed over and lose your soul (The most you can hope for is to only lose a foot or eye), but it is very, very hard to find a good enough lawyer to deal with a dealmaker, and it's a really bad idea to try and tempt fate like that. If you do it wrong, when you die you might end up in the Nine Hells being sodomized by a big, burly kyton named Hans.

Anyway, the reason why I really hate them is that, well first I need to explain something. Some of the dealmakers actually sell stuff for real cash instead of your immortal soul, mainly because demons like money as much as everyone else. But the thing is, while the stuff would be good, it usually has some gaping flaw with it, a flaw which you don't necessarily see until the hero turns it against you and you scream "NO, MY ONE WEAKNESS!" and you crumple into a steaming pile of meat on the floor (Or a temporary pile of dust for me). And there's literally no reason for them to do it, they wouldn't end up dead after my failure if they'd just sell some product that wasn't horribly flawed. They've explained it away as "the inherent evil within", but that statement stinks of utter bullshit, especially with that annoying reformed demon Rakak De'Uldar who always ALWAYS gets in my way.I just think they like fucking with me, especially due to the fact that they're some of the only things I can get the stuff from, so I have to keep coming back. Some day I am going to go down there and smack the shit out of Mammon, this I swear.

So, what about the demon/devil (Terms which I will keep using for simplicity's sake) lords and all their political dickery? Well, I'm getting sleepy now, so that'll have to wait for a while. I'll be looking about townfor any ways I can set my GLORIOUS WORLD-CONQUERING PLAN into motion. Good night filthy peons!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Several things,

Well, first off, I must announce that I finally have had somebody comment on here. Yay. And I wanted to mention a few things he brought up. He mentioned a storage unit to hold the Golem to keep the cops from looking in, and while that sounds tolerable, I think that an extra-big bag-o-holding would do the job much better. Hopefully I can get to making one this weekend.

And on the question of "Why can't I just raise an army of the dead to storm the living world," I must confess something. I am not a very good necromancer. Lichhood isn't really obtained in my world by using necromancy, but rather by screwing with healing energies in just a right way that it separates yet still leaves a connection between the soul and the body. In fact, most Necromancers mocked me for my lichhood, as their preferred method of necromantic ascension involved, and I quote the Sorceress on this, "massive, bloated, Im-not-compensating-for-anything titans of bad meat". Of course, when I used rotting magic to turn them from unholy terrors to the stuff that the custodians clean out of the privy-tank, they weren't laughing anymore, the filthy fucks. Of course, that's not to say I'm not skilled with other forms of magic. It took a lot of skill to put my phylactery into it's hiding spot, and to get it to teleport me where I died so that I didn't get stuck in said hidey-hole. And if any potential do-gooders want to know where it is so that you may slay me, HAVE FUN DEFEATING THE TARRASQUE YOU FUCKERS!

Sorry, lost my cool for a bit of a second there. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was demons. But I am sleepy now, so quite frankly I would like to go to bed, and you can wait for the scoop on demons in the morning.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Behold, filthy peons! My technology golem is finally complete! With it I will crush the world under my hob-nailed boot and take to my neon Vegas throne! It is bristling with all the finest magically enhanced weaponry Goodwill and the Swap Meet can provide! It has blenders enchanted to shred skin from a distance, laser pointers enhanced to form a beam capable of cutting through pure steel, armor made of the finest steel-plating and two whirring chainsaw arms I will use this as a weapon to conquer nations! Or at least a few cities before it gets blown to bits.

But... I think I fucked up on something thing. In testing it yesterday, I have a flaw: it is slow. Very slow. Slow as fucking molasses! I really don't get why, the spell was supposed to taken care of it, it should have accounted for the weight! Either it was the shapeshifter fucking things up AGAIN, I made it too heavy for even the spell to account for (Maybe I shouldn't have added that extra chainsaw), or maybe I should stop buying my spells from demons (they're cheap, but they will always, ALWAYS rip you off). Ah well, it will still work for my purposes, that is of starting my glorious journey towards CONQUERING THE WORLD!


Crap. I just realized something. If I try and conquer this world overtly, your police forces and armies are going to try and strike back, and probably crush me under their heel. And I don't have the resources to keep this going when they come. I'm going to have to think of a plan to build up my power in secret before I overtly start my attack. PEONS! Your suggestions would be invaluable to me at this time, give them to me in the comments. Right now, I'm gonna talk it over with the Sorceress

Monday, October 18, 2010

On Love Stillborn

Greetings filthy peons! My apologies for being so late with the updates, I just got lazy and spent the weekend watching MST3K, mainly for inspiration for my glorious plans through the muse of terrible B-movies and the mad scientists who inflict them upon people/automata. From Laserblast alone, I have gotten the idea for yet another backup plan to conquer this world when my first one inevitably fails...
 If it fails I mean.

Speaking of failure, I wanted to talk about something very personal to me. It's the Sorceress. I was thinking about her when I looked back upon my last post. She knows I have an attraction to her her, but she thinks it's the sort of skeevy molest-y love her other employers have shown her over the aeons (including a certain demon lord who will not be named). But that's not the case. I  feel a torrent of love for her the likes of which you mere peons cannot comprehend, and my heart aches (or at least it would if I had one) to tell her.

I love everything about her: Her sanity in the eye of the storm, her wit and intellect, the fact that she hasn't tried to murder me like every other sorceress I've hired. I even love the fact that she doesn't dress like a harlot like every other sorceress in my world. We were born to rule together, sitting on a throne of skulls upon a mountain of our enemies, dominating the world, us together in love.

But, it would never work. It's not the "We are as mayflies" issue, she apparently found a way to become immortal that avoids lichdom, but she's never told anyone how, but it's the issue of being undead. How was I supposed to know that I'd meet somebody like her when I met this. I'm an ugly son of a bitch in this eternal state of undeath, I'll admit this. I'm a bleached white walking bag of bones with a robe and crown, and I don't think she could ever love me like this. Certainly a phyiscal relationship is out of the question, unless she's really, really sick (Which I highly doubt). I'm too afraid to ask because I'm afraid she'll laugh me off. Or, even worse, hold me in utter contempt for even thinking of trying to love her, and run away from me. It's happened before.

I suppose I look like a sentimental twit now, weeping over an adolescent crush, don't I? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a drink. Several drinks. To hell with it the whole fucking bottle!

Oh, and on the Technology Golem IT IS DONE! More on that tomorrow.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Okay, now that I have fended off the Shapeshifter's attempts to ruin my golem for the 18th time this day, I supposes I will talk about something relevant to this month. One of my favorite things I've found in your pitiful world is this holiday you call Halloween.

 On our world we have a day that's sort of equivalent to your Halloween, which involves purging evil spirits from this world when the borders between realms are weakest, which gets very, very annoying when the evil spirits are in your employ. But here, you embrace the horror, embrace the terrible monsters, and even celebrate them with your costumes instead of using them to chase the demons away (It doesn't work in my realm, the demons there have seen far worse). I like that in a people, and I will make the entire month of October one long Halloween when I come to rule, skies darkened and beasts that go bump in the night rampaging across the land and skies, terrorizing the people, and I'm getting in one of my more "theatrical" moods now aren't I?

 Anyway, and so, it gave me great pleasure when the Sorceress mentioned that from her travails, she found that there are several Halloween stores in this town, and knowing this I managed to view these fine establishments. And so, I went to look for some items that I could enchant (due to the fact that the latent feelings surrounding this season enhances the magical potential of these items, more on that later), and was not disappointed. Here's my list of items that I have bought FOR MY QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION!

Random Plastic Crap- I generalize here because I consider these minor trinkets useful but not too important. Make no mistake though, I consider them very useful indeed. The little plastic rats/zombie-finger-puppets/little plastic skulls could be used as a swarm to choke my enemies to death with the right magic to get them moving. The plastic eyeballs will be used as rolling sentries (I would use the sticky eyeballs but the debris blocks my view), the slime could be animated and used to secretively deliver spells, and the monster fingers could be used as spell-blasting items (that one was the Sorceress' idea, Tzeench bless here). Of course, I'm still looking for more.

Sexy Costumes- I bought these for the Sorceress. She refused all of them. Dammit.

Fog Machine-This is the perfect thing to spew my "Spell of Confusion" from! Think about it, one minute you walk into the strange fog and BAM you're in a nightmare world where you can't tell friend from foe while I sneak over to the lever to open the trapdoor into the spike pit. Or I could make them think they're in a world of talking fish, chocolate houses and giant, angry chickens, mainly because it's really,really funny to watch. This will work particularly well because, the way the spell works, it has to have a medium to transfer through. Before this, I usually used a steam bellows, which got particularly annoying whenever some hero would always stab it and break it, which generally put the kibosh on whatever plans I was attempting that time. But given that this is a far smaller target, I have high confidence in it's success, although the Sorceress' still wants to put armor on it just in case. This is why I love her my filthy peons, she's always the one who patches up the holes in my plans, and makes the incoming defeat seem much less inevitable.

Foam Rubber Thingies- Kinda hard to explain, but basically they're those giant fakey spiders, zombie upper halves, demonic clown mannequins and all that other fancy decoration stuff that is way too expensive for its own good. I saw them, and I knew I had my perfect "backup plan" weapon if somebody (90% sure it's going to be the Shapeshifter) breaks my golem. I bought around four zombie torsos and one demonic clown mannequin, mainly because they were the creepiest and thus were more likely to attract "fear magic" to them to enhance their power (More on that later). Of course when I brought them home the Sorceress asked the question that I probably should have seen coming: "Don't they have rubber teeth too?". Crap. Note to self: Add some iron claws and jaws when I inevitably animate them.

Candy- No real world-domination reasons for this, I just think that you people have way better candy than my world. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get myself 2 giant bags of candy corn and Butterfingers and eat it all by myself. Well, maybe I'll share some with the Sorceress.

And if there's some stuff I've overlooked, tell me my dear readers, and I shall spend a bit more coin on it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Why Nevada?

Well, the Technology golem is near finished, ready to step into the world to usher in a new reign of terror with it's splattering blades, spurting weapons and hideous bulk, my one weapon to begin my glorious crusade against your world! Well, at least until it's done. Yes, apparently the spells I have prepared to give this being unholy LIFE! take some time to prepare, a week AT LEAST! Oh well, I guess I can wait, and hope the Shapeshifter doesn't screw it up.

And anyway, I'm sure that all my readers (Yes, all one of you) would like to know why I'd want to pick Nevada as the state I'd conquer. Well, the thing is, every evil leader needs an evil country to command, a "Mordor" in your terms if you will, to strike fear into the hearts of his foes who come to slay him in this inhospitable wasteland! And everything I have read about the place says that Nevada is a windswept desert where little life survives, where water exists in rare quantities and that will soon become completely inhospitable for life once the least drop of water disappears! The perfect place for an overlord such as myself!

But also, here's what makes it a "must-conquer" for me! Every evil overlord needs an evil city, a place so wicked and vile that even the most wretched hive sof scum and villainy would be horrified to look upon it! And the exemplar of that city in your world, my peons, is Las Vegas from where I will rule on a neon throne! And plus, the buffets sound delicious.

Now I must go, for I think I hear the Shapeshifter sneaking up upon my golem.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Short post today

Why is it a short post? Because I am putting the final touches on my technology golem with which I shall use as an engine of war to conquer the world. Well that, and I am feeling lazy today.

The Ur-Elemental seemed really happy today. When I asked him what for, he said "Today, I have found a truth somewhat, shall I say, unexpected about this world's elements. I must investigate this further, but it may prove useful in your quest for power." and off he hovered back into his room.  Apparently he's discovered something called "The Periodic Table" that talks about the one hundred and ten materials that your science considers elements. I never really got that. I mean, how for the love of Vecna is tin or lead an element? Anyhoo, I'll report on this as it comes, and maybe talk a little bit about the Ur-Elemental.

Anyway, for all of my one subscribers, I would like to answer the obvious question that came up on last nights post: can Liches eat. And the answer is yes, yes we can. It just turns into necrotic energy, that one usually has to spew out at some time or another. I usually keep mine stored in jars to power my legions upon legions of siege engines which I will roll out on this world's day of reckoning, or to throw at people I hate. Of course, a lich cannot taste said food unless he uses a ritual to attach a living tongue to his mouth. For example, my tongue is made from ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FUCKING SHAPESHIFTER, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU SON OF A BITCH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dammit, I lost my cool again. And anyway, he grew it back, much to my eternal disappointment.

And that's all I have for tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be getting back to watching Adventure Time.

On Minions: Elementals

Well, I've been working all day in my lab, trying to sketch out a concept for my next creation: the technology golem, which is why I have been so late in posting my latest missive. The hot wings last night were delicious, although not quite what I had anticipated (In our world they usually are covered in a paste of black pepper and goose grease). So, I was thinking, if I were to show you filthy peons my plans laid bare, then I might as well tell you what it TAKES to be an evil overlord! For, you see, evil overlording is a mater of strategy and using your resources well as much as it is about gloating and designing eldritch war machines/deathtraps, and so I might as well show them to you so that you may know the tricks of the trade. Of course, buy the time you've amassed a small amount of territory, I will probably be there to kill you as a threat to my power. But at least you'll die knowing you got killed by the best!

Anyway, today I would like to talk about minions, specifically ELEMENTALS! There is nothing that scares the living daylights out of your foes on the field of battle then walking things of flame, titans of air, blasts of wind, and torrents of water. But, there are several things one must know to keep them handy.

Firstly, know that one has to periodically refuel an elemental to make up for materials lost, usually using water for the water elemental, wood for the fire elemental, something burning for the wind elemental, and a rock for the earth elemental. I do so adore throwing rocks at people for them to get punched in the face by an angry earth elemental. I do not suggest using corpses from the battlefield as a substitute for any of them (whether they be bones for stones, blood for water, and meat for fuel) for while it may look incredibly, incredibly epic and terror-inspiring, said-refueled creations have a high chance of going insane and trying to murder you. I learned this the hard way. The stains never really came out of the castle wall.

Secondly they are stupid. Profoundly. Fucking. Stupid. Every time you want them to move, they always cause collateral damage, and I have lost far too many men in battle to a lumbering dope of an elemental smashing through my ranks. So, it is perhaps smartest to keep them in front and direct them like one would a very stupid puppy tossing them a treat of their favorite fuel. And on their off time, they have a one track god-damn mind, because it's in their stupid-magically-wired-in-nature, always trying to drown everyone or burn your castle down, or turn your castle to rubble or SCATTER HALF OF YOUR FUCKING SPELLBOOKS TO THE WINDS SO THAT YOU HAVE TO GO ON A STUPID MCGUFFIN QUEST TO FIND THEM!

I apologize for that loss of composure. Anyway, I suggest to keep them occupied outside of battle by using them for practical purposes, like water in a moat or a torch on a wall, or as a substitute for a wall that they fucking broke. And if not, they always respond well to punishment. Nothing gets a stray elemental back in line like the threat of dungheap duty.

As for battle, I've always found that they're not just good as juggernauts leading the line in a gloriously wicked charge to break enemy defenses, but also for stealthy reconnaissance and sabotage. Many a time I have brought out the "Torch-o-Peace" to give to an enemy, which in actuality was filled with fire elementals. They burn down the town in a wondrous inferno, and we swoop in to attack in the state of confusion, and I make a speech in the center of town calling them all FOOLS! The reconnaissance part is also a good way to combine punishment and work if you give them sewer duty. And plus, although air elementals work better for reconnaissance, there is nothing more shocking than having a water and/or earth elemental come out of the privy-hole.

And on a final note, if you want to combine two of the elementals, it can work, but if you don't know what you're doing you'll end up with a very very mad (In both senses of the word) amorphous blob out for your blood. Again, I know this from experience. Of course, it didn't help that THE FUCKING SHAPESHFITER MADE ME FUCK UP THE RITUAL! I HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT MAN/WOMAN/HERMAPHRODITHE THING!

Okay, I lost my cool there, but he doesn't really help my problems with elementals given that he always, always, always keeps fucking me over by leading them astray, especially by posing as fuel for them at the worst possible place for me. Like the time he posed as a rock to get the earth elemental to punch out our wall, or him recently (As in around WHEN WE GOT HERE) posing as a giant woodpile to get the fire elemental to try (emphasis on the word try) and burn down my stack of hundred-dollar bills (I really don't get paper money at all, but that's for another post) or when he got the wind elemental to scatter all my books and FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM, I WOULD STRANGLE HIM IF HE HAD A REAL NECKHOLE!

:Sigh:, but I guess I'm gonna have to live with it. Hopefully you've gotten some good insight inbetween my ranting about morons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look up a good recipe for hotwings.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I hate that shapeshifter.

Well, the argument's over, with only a few singes on the rug and a few ice chunks on the celling. Apparently the Shapeshifter turned himself into a rock in the Ur-Elemental's room, somehow screwing up the Ur-Elemental's ritual, and now it's raining herring in his room. Lovely. I can smell it from in here, even with my rotten nose.

I hate that shapeshifter. He says he comes from a lost race of fae, or the remains of a dead god, or a homunculus made by the world's greatest alchemist, the story changes each time he says it. Point is, he lies like a devil, possibly even more than one. I don't even know how I hired him either. One day he was just, there. I don't know why I didn't question it. Probably because I had a terrible hangover the morning he showed up (And yes, a Lich can get drunk, it just takes more booze) and because he was very, very good at his job of infiltrating my rivals, gaining their trust, and stabbing them in the back when they weren't looking. Unfortunately he would also do this to my army when they weren't looking. I still remember when he masqueraded as a stew pot and killed twenty of my best men.

And he just loved pissing me off, disguising himself as my throne and yanking himself away just as I was about to sit on it. Or disguising himself as some gold pieces and then jumping out and dancing a merry jig on the vendor's head just as I was about to buy my illicit spell components. I will never forgive him for screwing me out of that Seraphbrain.

And he's still fucking at it! You know, I haven't had to use disguise magic due to being able to convince everyone in the neighborhood that we're just a troupe of very avid cosplayers (You people can be such morons sometimes), but it's very hard to maintain that facade when you've got that son of a bitch going around as a walking "Keep Left" sign or a transsexual lumberjack (Note to self: I am never letting him watch Monty Python ever again).

And the worst part is, you can't kill him! Chop him up into a billion pieces and those billion pieces will transform into the shape of a hand giving you the finger. And he refuses to leave! Whenever I teleport him away, the very next day he's standing by my bed MOCKING me!. And it's always in the shape of a cat for some stupid reason! So, I'm going to be stuck with him until one of us dies horribly.

God damn that ranting has made me angry. I'm going to go drink now. Maybe with some hotwings.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Getting settled in.

Well, all that money bought us a decent two-story house with basement (perfect barracks for my minions), which will be perfect as a base of operations for the time being, and I still have a fair amount of cash left over until I can get the rest of my hoard out of my old dimension. I'm writing this in the middle of unpacking my tomes and eldritch instruments, most of which are intact. Although, my ripped Tome of Suffering is currently emitting a rather annoying scream and creating a bloody stain right on the fucking carpet.

My main team is getting situated too. The Trogre (Half troll, half ogre, all dumb) is staying out back in the shed because A) It is very hard to fit a fucking Trogre in a house, and B)He prefers it out there anyway. The Sourceress, my partner in crime for 150 years and counting, is making her own "pleasure den" in the room next to mine, complete with very lovely skull bed. :Sigh: Some days she makes me wish I still had genitals. The fucking shapeshifter does not get a room because he tends to sleep in the nooks and crannies of the house, usually where it pisses me off the most. I hate him so much. But I'll save that for another post.  I'm afraid to go into the Ur-Elemental's room, what with three-fourths of it being either on fire, frozen, arcing with electricity or covered with limitless rains of falling rocks (I hate it when he does that).

Crap. I think I just heard the Shapeshifter and the Ur-Elemental getting in a fight. This could be bad, so I'll write more later.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Welcome, you filthy peons!

Greetings soon-to-be subjects on this realm you call Earth!

I am Asmodeus Acerack, Dread Lich and convener with the dark powers, come to this place from another space, a world that one would only think exists in tales of wild fantasy, using a dread ritual that involves 13 dead unicorns, the still-beating heart of a hero, the hair of a fair maiden and a very angry bear!

I plan to conquer this place, and rule it with an skeletal fist of necromantic iron. Well, at least when I get another portal for my army that is! I can't believe that the portal only let twenty people in! The demon who sold it to me said that it would let in at least a hundred. God-damned demons and their tourettes-like compulsion to betray... Where was I?

O the skies will shake under my magics the likes of which your world has never seen! I know well the secrets that lie beneath, while your world hasn't the faintest inkling of it's dark powers. I have observed your world well through my scrying on your internets (Dear Slaanesh, you people are perverts!), and I am turning my hoard of gold into the currency of this land through a convenient cash-for-gold service (In fact, I'm writing this in their lobby)! As soon as I get myself established, I will take your modern conveniences and combining them with my black sourcery I will conquer this world, or at least a state, preferably Nevada.

The reason I am making this blog, peons, is that I want a history to be kept of the timeline of my world conquest, and what a better way to do it than the humble blog you people seem to be so fond of. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I heard them say that they have my cash on the intercom, so I will post more of my glorious travails later.