As you peons can tell, the mall venture did not go well. In the spirit of the season (Which I missed damnit) I'll tell you why IN RHYME!
It was Christmas Eve, December 2-5
Through a series of portals, me and my gang slithed
I had brought some bags of holding, some magic too
Ready to steal 'till the moneychangers went "Boo-hoo".
We snuck into the stores, and nicked from Borders to Sears,
Not knowing that night would end in our tears.
We stole all the games, the books and the clothes,
The appliances, the power tools, and a red rubber hose.
We stole them all through out the night,
Till we got wind of a horrible sight.
He was pudgy and duil faced, not at all mellow,
and as he ran his jowls shook like jello
"Hey you punks!" he screamed with a start,
And then he did something unexpected, off-the-charts.
He grabbed a small can, which on it said MACE
And brandished it to me and sprayed it in my face.
My magic I'd brought was geared towards offence and stealth,
I had brought none to hurt to preserve my own health.
And while I grappled for the Magic Missile in vain,
I was at once struck with a horrible pain.
That MACE, as you can clearly see,
seems to work well against liches like me.
I don't know whether it's magic, preservatives or what,
But I can tell you it hurt like a knife to the gut.
As my gang had brought no weapons, and the guard had two,
They dropped the sacks and away they flew.
Their leader was down, covered in mace,
and they were afraid and ran helter-skelter all over the place
I had anticipated my magic would work,
that the weapons could not hurt me of this oversized jerk.
But your technology has currently foiled my schemes
As my body felt like it was being ripped at the seams
I opened the portal, in my pain,
and yelled them to get in before I put a spell on their brain,
They ran, only one sack in my hand,
Down the portal, to the mansion on sand.
I yelled several swear words, some I had made up,
and shuddered in hurt as they pulled me up.
My body felt burning like never before,
Someday, I said, I would settle the score!
But as of now I've been trying to wash it away,
A hard enough task that I missed new years day.
My plan had failed, it had all gone kaput,
But instead of going to sulk in the soot,
I went out for hot wings, and then to the store
To see if I could cheer myself up, since I was still a bit sore
But as I strode the store's aisle, I looked and spied,
A some bundles of fireworks at the corner of my eye.
A thought came into my head, and I turned with a grin
As I came up with a new plan to utilize them for sin.
So in the end ,I have just this to say:
Merry Christmas to all and I'LL GET YOU FUCKS ANOTHER DAY!