Saturday, April 16, 2011

Stupid, Stupid Monsters.

Well, I promised you peons that I'd tell you about the crappy, crappy monsters that came out the portal, and I always keep my promises. Actually, I usually don't, but I like people to think that so I can stab them in the ba- MOVING ON!

First, note that the Flumph is nowhere on this list. This is for three reasons. One: It is nigh-well useless against adventurers. I mean, spewing RIDICULOUSLY TINY amounts of acid is great and all, but not when you're facing a +5 Sword of Fuck Your Shit Up. Secondly, note that they have "Lawful Good" in their stat description. This is a problem when you are trying to raze yon tiny village, and they're blathering on about "The Rights Of Man" until you shut them up with a magic missile to the face (Note that this is how I solve most of my problems). Thirdly, look at the damn thing. It's the floating front end of a fleshlight with tentacles and googly-eyes glued on! I'd be the laughingstock of all the evil overlords if I got caught with one of the damn things! Now, anyway, onto the long list of stupid:

Carnibuncle- If you don't know these, they're basically armadillo-things with a little jewel on their foreheads. Now, this jewel turns to dust when they die, which would make them useless long-term in my hoard, but I figured, hey, no problem, I'd just coax them (And by "coax" I mean mind-control) in to giving up a bunch of jewels and then kill them, use the jewel dust in my Spell Cannon (Which, in my infinite stupidity, I forgot to bring) and eat the meat. Boy was I wrong.

First, the Dust is near useless. All it can do is a mere Slash Tongue, and that was only with a very "creative" combination of the materials (Never ask me where I got all that semen), which is good for when you need to annoy someone out of petty spite, but terrible for everything else. And the meat? Let me put it this way: I will NEVER complain about The Sorceress' cooking again. Though the dog does like to chase them.

Gambado- I stole this stupid pop-up skull thing from a dark ride in Ye Olde Amusement Park. I immediately regretted it after it popped up during my evil speech TWENTY FUCKING TIMES! You know those stupid motion-detecting dancing figurines you buy from the drugstore that are amusing ONCE and then become annoyances that eventually end up in a personal relationship with the blunt end of a hammer? These guys are like that.

Tirapheg- WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN?! I believe this is the result of the fling between the Shapeshifter and a very drunken fairy. So, naturally, he ditched responsibilities for caring for the thing on me. Yay. It's basically.... well... I can't really describe it except for the fact that it gives me nightmares, and you should probably look the damn thing up if you're so keen to. It has these stupid illusion powers, and that coupled with its near constant screaming and mumbling is enough to keep me up at night, wary of the damn thing. I've been told to refer to some film called Eraserhead about this, but I fail to see the resemblance.

Gorbel- The Bone Devil who sold me this told me it was a new breed of Beholder. This is why he is now a steaming pile of ooze on the ground. These things are terrible. All they do is grab onto some idiot who passes by and explode at the touch of a pinprick. I suppose they could be used as really retarded grenades, but they don't reproduce fast enough. This may be one of the few times that my copy of the Book of Erotic Fantasy (Yes it's real, and yes it's as retarded as it sounds) may come in handy. I wonder if that "Dwarven Gibben Rinder" in the aphrodisiacs section could hel- MOVING ON!

The Wolf In Sheep's Clothing- The shapeshifter bought this for me as a gift using funds embezzled from my treasure horde, this being another addition to the seven thousand, five hundred and sixty two reasons I hate him. It's basically looks like a rabbit glued to a googly-eyed tree stump with tentacles, eyestalks and teeth. And if you're thinking that it'd work in an ambush, well let me tell you, it doesn't. It only takes one damn adventure party to get attacked by it, and then the word gets out to "avoid the tree with the obvious jawline!" And then it's just another shitty decoration, like some evil fucking ficus or something. Oh well, at least he isn't trying to eat me AGAIN!

And, as this post is getting rather unweildy in length, I think I'll save the rest of my crap Menagere for part 2

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

My peons, I am back! Did you miss me?! Probably not, given that I only have two readers, but fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. Well, since I've been gone for the past three-and-a-half months, let me fill you in.

 Plans are still going at the same rate they have been for expanding my reach, that is to say, not at all. My big "Send the fireworks-based fire snake into the mall AND LET CHAOS REIGN!!!" has not yet started thanks to a few failures by my Arch-Ememental. Well, more like several failures. Well, if you really want to get technical, several dozen failures. And it's not because of incompetence either, it's because that man... woman... thing of ambiguous gender always decides to take it one fucking step too far! "Hey Asmodeus, I'll add this TNT to the mix, it'll be awesome!" "Hey Asmodeus, this Gasoline will give it both body AND form!""What could possibly go wrong with adding TWELVE GALLONS of Jack Daniels to the mix.". Well, my filthy peons, you see that giant missing chunk of my house? Well, you can't because I have it illusioned away, and you're probably not there anyway, but THAT'S WHAT COULD GO FUCKING WRONG!

And it's no help that the police are resisting me in the few areas that I do have dominance in, thanks to that pudgy little security guard whining to the cops and setting up his own stupid neighborhood watch league. His name's Santo Christo, or some stupid shit like that, and apparently he's a pastor in his spare time, helps out at the orphanage in his other spare time, raises funds for charity, has saved a baby from a burning building, keeps stray cats at his house and OH DER GOD I WANT TO PUNCH HIS STUPID SMILING FACE! Well, at least I know now why that Mace had some hints of holy water combined with the usual chemical skin rape.

The dog is doing fine, and seems perkier than ever. He's an exuberant, joyous little thing, and even the Drow hasn't dared to try and feed the little guy to that giant spider he keeps by his bed. He likes to sleep by my toes in my bed, which I have to admit is rather adorable, and warms even my cold, dank, lying-in-a-Tarrasques' galladder soul. I also taught him tricks, more specifically how to widdle on The Shapeshifter's bed when he displeases me yet again (Like that incedent at the theater, which I need not discuss). So far, it has been a great success!

And finally, thanks to several well-placed bribes at the zoo, I have brought a substantial chunk of the monstrosities of my personal menagerie. Unfortunately, all I managed to get is the crappy ones. Details to be released WHENEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE IT!