Thursday, October 7, 2010

I hate that shapeshifter.

Well, the argument's over, with only a few singes on the rug and a few ice chunks on the celling. Apparently the Shapeshifter turned himself into a rock in the Ur-Elemental's room, somehow screwing up the Ur-Elemental's ritual, and now it's raining herring in his room. Lovely. I can smell it from in here, even with my rotten nose.

I hate that shapeshifter. He says he comes from a lost race of fae, or the remains of a dead god, or a homunculus made by the world's greatest alchemist, the story changes each time he says it. Point is, he lies like a devil, possibly even more than one. I don't even know how I hired him either. One day he was just, there. I don't know why I didn't question it. Probably because I had a terrible hangover the morning he showed up (And yes, a Lich can get drunk, it just takes more booze) and because he was very, very good at his job of infiltrating my rivals, gaining their trust, and stabbing them in the back when they weren't looking. Unfortunately he would also do this to my army when they weren't looking. I still remember when he masqueraded as a stew pot and killed twenty of my best men.

And he just loved pissing me off, disguising himself as my throne and yanking himself away just as I was about to sit on it. Or disguising himself as some gold pieces and then jumping out and dancing a merry jig on the vendor's head just as I was about to buy my illicit spell components. I will never forgive him for screwing me out of that Seraphbrain.

And he's still fucking at it! You know, I haven't had to use disguise magic due to being able to convince everyone in the neighborhood that we're just a troupe of very avid cosplayers (You people can be such morons sometimes), but it's very hard to maintain that facade when you've got that son of a bitch going around as a walking "Keep Left" sign or a transsexual lumberjack (Note to self: I am never letting him watch Monty Python ever again).

And the worst part is, you can't kill him! Chop him up into a billion pieces and those billion pieces will transform into the shape of a hand giving you the finger. And he refuses to leave! Whenever I teleport him away, the very next day he's standing by my bed MOCKING me!. And it's always in the shape of a cat for some stupid reason! So, I'm going to be stuck with him until one of us dies horribly.

God damn that ranting has made me angry. I'm going to go drink now. Maybe with some hotwings.

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