Saturday, October 9, 2010

On Minions: Elementals

Well, I've been working all day in my lab, trying to sketch out a concept for my next creation: the technology golem, which is why I have been so late in posting my latest missive. The hot wings last night were delicious, although not quite what I had anticipated (In our world they usually are covered in a paste of black pepper and goose grease). So, I was thinking, if I were to show you filthy peons my plans laid bare, then I might as well tell you what it TAKES to be an evil overlord! For, you see, evil overlording is a mater of strategy and using your resources well as much as it is about gloating and designing eldritch war machines/deathtraps, and so I might as well show them to you so that you may know the tricks of the trade. Of course, buy the time you've amassed a small amount of territory, I will probably be there to kill you as a threat to my power. But at least you'll die knowing you got killed by the best!

Anyway, today I would like to talk about minions, specifically ELEMENTALS! There is nothing that scares the living daylights out of your foes on the field of battle then walking things of flame, titans of air, blasts of wind, and torrents of water. But, there are several things one must know to keep them handy.

Firstly, know that one has to periodically refuel an elemental to make up for materials lost, usually using water for the water elemental, wood for the fire elemental, something burning for the wind elemental, and a rock for the earth elemental. I do so adore throwing rocks at people for them to get punched in the face by an angry earth elemental. I do not suggest using corpses from the battlefield as a substitute for any of them (whether they be bones for stones, blood for water, and meat for fuel) for while it may look incredibly, incredibly epic and terror-inspiring, said-refueled creations have a high chance of going insane and trying to murder you. I learned this the hard way. The stains never really came out of the castle wall.

Secondly they are stupid. Profoundly. Fucking. Stupid. Every time you want them to move, they always cause collateral damage, and I have lost far too many men in battle to a lumbering dope of an elemental smashing through my ranks. So, it is perhaps smartest to keep them in front and direct them like one would a very stupid puppy tossing them a treat of their favorite fuel. And on their off time, they have a one track god-damn mind, because it's in their stupid-magically-wired-in-nature, always trying to drown everyone or burn your castle down, or turn your castle to rubble or SCATTER HALF OF YOUR FUCKING SPELLBOOKS TO THE WINDS SO THAT YOU HAVE TO GO ON A STUPID MCGUFFIN QUEST TO FIND THEM!

I apologize for that loss of composure. Anyway, I suggest to keep them occupied outside of battle by using them for practical purposes, like water in a moat or a torch on a wall, or as a substitute for a wall that they fucking broke. And if not, they always respond well to punishment. Nothing gets a stray elemental back in line like the threat of dungheap duty.

As for battle, I've always found that they're not just good as juggernauts leading the line in a gloriously wicked charge to break enemy defenses, but also for stealthy reconnaissance and sabotage. Many a time I have brought out the "Torch-o-Peace" to give to an enemy, which in actuality was filled with fire elementals. They burn down the town in a wondrous inferno, and we swoop in to attack in the state of confusion, and I make a speech in the center of town calling them all FOOLS! The reconnaissance part is also a good way to combine punishment and work if you give them sewer duty. And plus, although air elementals work better for reconnaissance, there is nothing more shocking than having a water and/or earth elemental come out of the privy-hole.

And on a final note, if you want to combine two of the elementals, it can work, but if you don't know what you're doing you'll end up with a very very mad (In both senses of the word) amorphous blob out for your blood. Again, I know this from experience. Of course, it didn't help that THE FUCKING SHAPESHFITER MADE ME FUCK UP THE RITUAL! I HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT MAN/WOMAN/HERMAPHRODITHE THING!

Okay, I lost my cool there, but he doesn't really help my problems with elementals given that he always, always, always keeps fucking me over by leading them astray, especially by posing as fuel for them at the worst possible place for me. Like the time he posed as a rock to get the earth elemental to punch out our wall, or him recently (As in around WHEN WE GOT HERE) posing as a giant woodpile to get the fire elemental to try (emphasis on the word try) and burn down my stack of hundred-dollar bills (I really don't get paper money at all, but that's for another post) or when he got the wind elemental to scatter all my books and FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM, I WOULD STRANGLE HIM IF HE HAD A REAL NECKHOLE!

:Sigh:, but I guess I'm gonna have to live with it. Hopefully you've gotten some good insight inbetween my ranting about morons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look up a good recipe for hotwings.

No comments:

Post a Comment