Thursday, November 25, 2010

This day you call "Thanksgiving"...

Well, apparently this is a holiday in your world. I really had no idea it was coming up, I assumed that the imagery of religious pilgrims and turkeys in your grocery stores was to prepare your people for the ritual slaughter of turkeys. Apparently, from what I have seen on your television it involves football, hedonistic gluttony and genocide of indigenous peoples. Sounds just like the Drow's yearly "Koboldball" game. Dear sweet Jesus they had good unspecified-meat-pie. Such a shame then that I BLEW IT UP WITH MY HORDE OF GOBORCS HA HA HA!


I don't have to apologize to you. And besides, they were cutting their meat-pies with ankheg and dwarf baby. So, I prepared a feast with my ill-gotten downtown money and a bit of magic to prepare it. And no, I did not use a "Summon Food and Drink" spell. Everything that spell makes always tastes like cardboard coated sawdust, EUGH. And so, out of a whim, I have decided to compile a list of my thanks today. Because I feel like it that's why. So, here they are:

* I am thankful that I am not dead from the thousands and thousands of heroes sent to murder me.
* I am thankful that we were able to safely evacuate the house when the Ur-Elemental poured that tank of Mr. Clean upon that tank of Clorox to make a Chlorine elemental.
* I am thankful that the cops are too concerned with the Mexicans fleeing economic destitution to our shore than by my blatant hostile takeover of a major chunk of the city.
* I am thankful that was able to install several "Wands of Magic Missile" and "Wands of Binding Chains" under the hood of my car
* I am also thankful that the materials to make said wands are surprisingly easy to get at any local Party City.
* I am thankful that the Trogre did not eat any of my men.
* I am thankful that the dump sells toxic waste barrels in bulk with little-to-no-questions asked.
* I am thankful that the Sorceress is here to beat my henchmen with a stick when they get out of line, and to cover up the holes in my plans.
* I am thankful to all the readers of my blog, yes all ONE of you.
* And Finally, I am thankful for hot wings. Orcus-damn these things are good.

Well, that's all for tonight my filthy peons! See you at a hopefully not-too-delayed date!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I apologize for my lack of postage

My peons, I notice that I have been lacking in the amount of my posts as of late. This is inexcusable. I know I have said that before, but I will say it again, this is inexcusable! The reason for this is simple. The shapeshifter keeps stealing away computer parts in the night, and I keep having to go on a merry little treasure hunt to find them, put them back together, and then attempt to type out a post before he tries it again. I hate him so. The reason I have not mentioned this in the past is because I don't believe in showing weakness. You show that you're a sensitive guy, maybe even with a sympathetic side, and then you die hideously, usually in some hi-lariously ironic manner. I have been thrown off more cliffs by more apprentices-turned do-gooders than you can possibly imagine. But, anyway, thanks to the miracle of techno-magic (And yes, that is what I'm calling it from then on) I have rigged this computer so that whenever he touches it, he will catch fire. TRY AND GET PAST THAT ONE YOU COCK-MONGER!

Well, on the front of here, we're deciding where we want to conquer next, given that progress on making the Pot of Laundering is going well, and collections are going smoothly (It's amazing how easily it is to make a hula-hoop into a Portal of Mordenkaiden's Magnificent Mansion). That god-forsaken hippie nest 4th Avenue looks promising, but I would rather wait until the street fair for that. I want to have plenty of people to spread the word of my glorious conquest! That and I want a better opportunity to steal from the food vendors. Hey, it's expensive to keep a legion of monsters fed, and those rations I took from the parade are still there.

Well, that's all for this update. I think I hear my order from Wing Stop at the door.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Miscelaney because I'm bored

Well, I've just sent off another two of the "boys" (specifically one of the Gnolls with a Drow escort) to collect on my "payment" from the downtown area, with some feature-obscuring spells and one of your "guns" borrowed from one of the Manos Locos. God damn, I need to buy one of those things for myself someday, maybe put a few enchantments on it. Beats those fucking swords, that's for sure. I do not quite understand why your culture idolizes the sword so much when, from what I've seen, the gun works way better. I mean, it's a mini cannon for Grazzit's sake! I would have razed continents for the schematics to one!

Also, on the profits to be gained from the coming ventures, apparently with your paper money, one has to "launder" it so that nobody knows that it was stolen, exchange it for money that wasn't stolen. It's not like in my world where you can just, I don't know, MELT DOWN the gold you took. Of course, I'm going to make an artifact to do it, but I don't get that. And apparently you can't even melt down the spare change, or so the Sorceress told me.

The Ur-Elemental has been making great progress on his work, by which I mean there have been several explosions coming from his room. Apparently he's been working with "Alaki metals" which are metals that explode when exposed to air. Apparently he's been trying to work around the "explodes with air"thing, and judging by the stains on the wall he hasn't been doing very well. Still, I do love the concept. That, and I wish I could show it to the alchemists at the Bleak Academy to rub it in their snooty little faces the one thing they haven't tried to make, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, I have to be leaving. I think I hear the Trogre chewing on one of my men. Why in god's name do they always have to jump the fence?! Adieu filthy peons!

Sunday, November 14, 2010



As you can tell, I've been having avery good last few days. The raid on Downtown went well. Before I had my glorious conquest, I took a look around the place. One should appraise ones soon-to-be-holdings after all. I have to say, it was very nice. The nightlife was wonderful, Club Congress was excellent, and there was a wonderfully morbid art show being held. But, as always, I had to get down to business. The gang was lurking around, harassing and jackassing about with my minions I brought here. I have to say that they do seem to be getting along well enough.

Anyway, so I gave them the signal, hid in the shadows to put on the El Demonio Rey costume, and climbed up to the tallest of your towers near where the most people were lurking. I then, through the miracle of magical voice projection, started my magically-projected speech. It was, again, the sort of ranting and gesticulating I put at the beginning of this post, albeit far longer and more verbose, but you get the drift. One poor sap tried to fire a pistol at me, but a quick Web spell took care of him. I gave the whistle to get the boys to start mucking things up, and boy oh boy did they. I especially am appreciative of the guy who took care to steal all the food he could carry as well as the money. Dear Bane that meat-on-a-stick is good. I did some magic myself too as I spoke of the tithe, like Whirlwind of Teeth, Crushing Fist of Spite and Prismatic spray to be specific, mainly due to their flashiness. As the cops rolled it, I jumped off the building immediately, to the shock and amazement of the crowd below, and just as they opened fire, I opened that portal to Mordenkaiden's Magnificent Mansion below, and went straight in, and the rest of the gang soon followed.

Overall, I would say it was a success. We wrere o nthe news, they called us menaces to the town, the people acted in general like frightened nit-wits (that is, at least the ones who didn't think it was an elaborate show), so overall I'm pleased with last night. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get me some hotwings and figure out how we're going to collect the tithe without getting caught.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Okay, I lied about the tomorrow thing.


Anyway, on that parade that went straight to hell. you see, I had heard from The Sorceress that there was a Day of the Dead parade going on in this town. Apparently this is a holy day for the people below your southern borders. I really don't get how a holiday with lots of skulls that mocks death isn't itching for some necromancer to make it into a "day I release the zombie hordes upon the world" say, but then there you go. I had also heard that every second saturday of every month, like this coming one, there was a huge event where the people would go downtown to browse and carouse the city, and downtown is also where said Day of the Dead parade happened to be.

So I went there in that little rust-heap of a car and cavorted about. It started out fantastic, I let out my schpiel, backstory, rants about world conquest, the usual sort of thing, though my rotten vocal cords gave out after the first twenty minutes and I had to pick a few pockets clean of water-flasks to keep them from snapping in two. It takes forever to repair them when they've cut clean through. To those of you from that event who are reading this blog I AM NOT SORRY! BEING EVIL MEANS YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY! But, I am surprised at how friendly you people were towards my ravings and rantings. Although some of them were probably mocking me. No matter, I'll know that day when I conquer this puny little town!

Anyway, it all went well until I got to the end. I mushed through the hordes of people, plodded through the sea of dropped trash and filth back to the car, only to find that, surprise of unpleasant surprises, it was gone. Well, I figured, I had a fleck of rust from it to scry on it through the looking glass, it shouldn't be too much trouble to find it. But, the walk back to the house was 15 blocks. And I had prepared no spells.   This is the point where I started to feel very, very peeved. I was, in order of occurence, peed on by a hobo, almost run over SEVERAL times by a roving band of drunkards, accosted by a gang of youths wearing pants far too loose to be reasonable (they are very lucky that I did not have the spell Summon Bear Horde on me), and chased all the way home by a horde of stray cats. I swear, those bastards can be mean. I should know, I've seen them kill a minion or two.

And the worst part of it is, I felt scared for the first time in a long while since I've been undead. I know that thanks to the enchantments on my phylactery, if I die I'll just reappear in the same spot after a few day. But, something about this night reminded me of the days when I was just a wee orphan, scrounging through trash-baskets on the streets in the cold, moon-haunted night, trying to stay out of sight of the roving gangs on the streets willing to cut a boy's gut open just for thrills. And it is with that fear that I decided that yes, I would go to that Second Saturday, and I would take downtown as my first place to conquer, at least to banish the memories away from my mind.

Anyway ,as i got home, do you know what i saw in the driveway. MY! FUCKING! CAR! The Sorceress told me the whole story from what she could gather. Basically, it turns out that the Shapeshifter had stowed away in my car, and had brought it back to the house. As she spoke, I heard the sound of a distinct giggling with glee right in the closet of the room. You can imagine my reaction at that moment, my reaction being that I STRANGLED THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF HIM YAHA! NOT SO SMART NOW, ARE YOU YOU FUCKING TWIT! Yeah. I know he has no real neckhole, but that still felt damn good.

Oh, and on the visit from the new gang, it went actually surprisingly well. Sure, they made a mess out of the place, but less so than I expected, and they actually interacted very well with everyone. They didn't act too much like aphrodisiac-addled apes at The Sorceress (Though it helped that she said she knew the spell Infinite Loop of Castration), and they showed a gleeful, albeit somewhat immature, curiosity towards the Ur-Elemental, likewise with him and their guns (He said something about the possible applications, I just nodded and pretended to understand what he was getting at. They hit it off surprisingly well with the other lesser minions, though surprisingly enough it was the Drow they got along best with. Probably because they didn't know he was trying to manipulate them, but you take what you can get. And we agreed on one thing: On Saturday, we strike Downtown.

Until then my filthy peons, until then.

Monday, November 8, 2010

No excuse for lollygagging!

Well my filthy peons, I have been lazy over this past week and not updated at all. I'd like to say it was due to scheming and writing out plans, and enchanting my weapons and automatons for my glorious crusade for WORLD DOMINATION! I'd like to say that, but then I'd be lying. I've mostly spent this week watching nonsense on You Tube and traipesing about town in my car.

Yes, I did finally get a car. I got my license recently, due in no small part to bribery, magic, and the fact that when you're a lich, it's kind of a required job skill to be a good learner so that you don't turn into a pile of bones on the ground when performing the ritual. I bought a Pinto from some little rinky-dink used car lot from some fellow from south of the border with a mustache big enough to choke a beholder. It looks like it's made of fifty percent rust and smells heavily of urine, which I still cannot get out. I have done a little bit of magic on it to try and make it less terrible, making the engine run better, making it look better with judicious use of Shape Metal , and attempting (and failing) to get the smell of urine out. The Ur-Elemental is excited about it because apparently it has some sort of connection with elemental fire.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention him. His research is showing some decent results. When he came to me in giddy glee with a firey smile splitting his "face" (if you can call it that) in twain, I was worried. Because, he has two modes: stoic and mysterious and giddy as a kid on Christmas day. When he's in "giddy mode" the results are either A) Incredibly useful, or B) incredibly painful, and I've been on the losing end of that roulette wheel enough times to be very afraid. So, I walked in, took a look, and... well, there was jack all in there I could see, other than the usual elemental maelstrom. At least until he pointed it out to me. It was little man, "feet" clacking about on the churning stone/air mix he called a table. It was pure black, and I soon learned it was graphite after it had drawn several uncomfortably detailed pictures of phalluses on my skull. Of course, he also drew the Mona Lisa in miniature there too. Elementals are weird. Anyway, he said that apparently graphite is made up of purely what you peons call "carbon", and thus the little creature shows that you apparently can make elementals out of the substances you call "elements" (again, how in the name of Tzeench is gold or copper anything close to an element?!).

I'd be annoyed with this given his unmitigated glee at the stupid little thing and the many pictures of phalluses I had to wash off my skull, but there does seem to be that there could be far more useful applications for research than the tiny graphite things, so I'm not too mad. Also, I hear that diamond in made entirely out of the same element as graphite, so If i can ever get enough gold back from my home maybe we can have A DIAMOND ELEMENTAL!. Again, I ask you, how in the name of Bocob does that work?!

Anyway, there's another reason for why I haven't updated sooner, and it all has to do with one of your Day of the Dead parades gone horribly wrong. I'd elaborate, but I hear my gang at the door, so I will have to speak of this later. Adieu!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The story on how I recruited them

Well, as I promised last night, here's how I got them.

The house was easy enough to get to, although the man at the gas station just laughed at me before he gave me the directions. The house smelled of cheap beer, the smoke of strange herbs, and what comes out when one drinks cheap beer. I heard voices, though they were mostly jabbering about stupid things, jailbreak plans for their boss and how they were going to steal more beer and "pot" (Apparently the name of said strange herbs). Mostly about the beer and "pot" though.

I stepped out into the living room, in my new garb as "El Demonio Rey" and the room suddenly hushed. Well, half of it hushed, the other half jabbered on in an intoxicated stupor until they noticed me and then hushed. I started to make a speech, the usual stuff I post whenever I'm trying to recruit for my glorious cause "Blah blah blah, why save your old incompetent leader when you could be a part of a glorious regime... Blah blah blah, join me and we will create a glorious new regime, blah blah bla-" and then they shot me. Repeatedly. Around three quarters of their shots missed, and the other few just put a few rips in my jacket. I then, in the most nonchalant voice I could muster up after being shot "That was PITIFUL! Your futile weapons pale in comparison to the power I have on tap!"

 I pulled all the stops out then, putting out Summon Hellfire, Wall of Eyes, Dancing Chains, Whirlwind of Teeth, Spider Legs, anything to get them to follow. They didn't bite, keeping on guessing "Hey, you musta got a little projector in there cuz", or "Nah man, it's robots, it's gotta be robots" or "Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?". And then, a little part of me snapped inside, as if a sheer Ray of Stupid (which is a real spell by the way) snapped through my brain and every cell cried out in agony. And then, I threw one of the last things I had had in the bag at them in utter and pure rage.

Fortunately, it was the correct thing. You see, I had been seeing if I could put a "Magic Mouth" spell on a CD player, just as a trifle because I was bored. I think I either brought it along by accident or the damn shapeshifter put it in hoping to screw me up (As you will see, that failed spectacularly so HA I WON YOU SON OF A BITCH!). And, wouldn't you know it, it hit one of them, a big lard ball of a man, right in the gut. It stuck, which I think was due to adding too much saliva into the mixture, and then it started singing that terrible salsa CD I'd put in, gut-flesh talking like a god-damn. I'd never thought much of that spell, I usually use giant floating heads to communicate with those meddlesome fools who dare intervene in my plans, but they were hooked. They looked at it like it was a miracle from hell or some crap like that, and then I clearly knew that I had them.

It was then that the deal was struck. They'd join with me, and I'd meet up with them next monday to formulate the first part of our glorious conquest along with the rest of my "crew". And I think I hear the Ur-Elemental calling me, so I bid you adieu. And yes, I realize this is late, but I got sidetracked. Don't ask me how.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Yes, I was successful in my grand endeavor to recruit that gang of ruffians. But, as of now ,I am far too exhausted to speak on it, so I"ll tell you peons all about it in the morning.