The actual god-damn scoop on demons.

Well, let's talk about demons my filthy peons, as I promised. I despise them. But, one must know how to deal with them, especially when they eventually come here and start fucking things up when I RULE THE WORLD! So, here's a stupid little article about them

 The first thing you must know is that most of them fit into two categories. The first is the KILL EVERYTHING kind, what in your D&D turbo-nerd terms would call "demons". They are obsessed with three things: murder, murder, and more murder. They are also morons. But they are deadly morons, usually with magic, stabby bits, scratchy bits, slammy bits, bitey bits, eye searingly horrible bits, blasts of any substance you can think of (God help you if you're blasted by an incubus) and jazz hands. Okay, not that last one, but you see my point. They are fairly easy to deal with using brute force, high explosives usually does the trick for me. Also, DO NOT HIRE THEM AT ANY COST! They will try and murder you without a second thought when they eventually get bored with you, and even before then they're utter rampaging cocks. You can never talk about anything with them without the subject turning to "killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill" or them talking about how stabbing a guy in the face is like fornicating. Oh dear Khorne I have heard more rants on that subject from them than I can count. Although, they do have excellent orgies.  Which I cannot join in due to my lack of genitals. Fuck.

The second kind of demon, the far more dangerous one, is the dealmakers, AKA the devils to all you grognards. These are the type that try and get you to sign over your immortal soul for something you really, really need/want that will usually screw you over any way due to the fact that they are unrepentant dicks. They try and position themselves as classy and elegant, when in reality they are more like your sleazy used car salesmen in nature. But I'll be damned if they aren't fucking good at it. One minute you're talking to them, and the next minute you've bought a mighty fortress that in actuality is a broken piece of crap with you're eternal soul. That actually happened to me once. Granted, the fucker died against the Terrasque trying to collect his due, but the point still stands. By the way, you probably aren't asking, what do they use the souls for? Well, part of it is magical power, part of it is building material, part of it is sexual lubricant. I was just as horrified to learn that last part as you probably were.

Anyway, the best way to deal with them is to just plug your ears and start singing (I recommend Rush's "Free Will" as a good choice) until they get annoyed and leave. It's that simple. Of course, you could get a really, really good lawyer to negotiate the deal so that you don't get screwed over and lose your soul (The most you can hope for is to only lose a foot or eye), but it is very, very hard to find a good enough lawyer to deal with a dealmaker, and it's a really bad idea to try and tempt fate like that. If you do it wrong, when you die you might end up in the Nine Hells being sodomized by a big, burly kyton named Hans.

Anyway, the reason why I really hate them is that, well first I need to explain something. Some of the dealmakers actually sell stuff for real cash instead of your immortal soul, mainly because demons like money as much as everyone else. But the thing is, while the stuff would be good, it usually has some gaping flaw with it, a flaw which you don't necessarily see until the hero turns it against you and you scream "NO, MY ONE WEAKNESS!" and you crumple into a steaming pile of meat on the floor (Or a temporary pile of dust for me). And there's literally no reason for them to do it, they wouldn't end up dead after my failure if they'd just sell some product that wasn't horribly flawed. They've explained it away as "the inherent evil within", but that statement stinks of utter bullshit, especially with that annoying reformed demon Rakak De'Uldar who always ALWAYS gets in my way.I just think they like fucking with me, especially due to the fact that they're some of the only things I can get the stuff from, so I have to keep coming back. Some day I am going to go down there and smack the shit out of Mammon, this I swear.

So, what about the demon/devil (Terms which I will keep using for simplicity's sake) lords and all their political dickery? Well, I'm getting sleepy now, so that'll have to wait for a while. I'll be looking about townfor any ways I can set my GLORIOUS WORLD-CONQUERING PLAN into motion. Good night filthy peons!