Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The story on how I recruited them

Well, as I promised last night, here's how I got them.

The house was easy enough to get to, although the man at the gas station just laughed at me before he gave me the directions. The house smelled of cheap beer, the smoke of strange herbs, and what comes out when one drinks cheap beer. I heard voices, though they were mostly jabbering about stupid things, jailbreak plans for their boss and how they were going to steal more beer and "pot" (Apparently the name of said strange herbs). Mostly about the beer and "pot" though.

I stepped out into the living room, in my new garb as "El Demonio Rey" and the room suddenly hushed. Well, half of it hushed, the other half jabbered on in an intoxicated stupor until they noticed me and then hushed. I started to make a speech, the usual stuff I post whenever I'm trying to recruit for my glorious cause "Blah blah blah, why save your old incompetent leader when you could be a part of a glorious regime... Blah blah blah, join me and we will create a glorious new regime, blah blah bla-" and then they shot me. Repeatedly. Around three quarters of their shots missed, and the other few just put a few rips in my jacket. I then, in the most nonchalant voice I could muster up after being shot "That was PITIFUL! Your futile weapons pale in comparison to the power I have on tap!"

 I pulled all the stops out then, putting out Summon Hellfire, Wall of Eyes, Dancing Chains, Whirlwind of Teeth, Spider Legs, anything to get them to follow. They didn't bite, keeping on guessing "Hey, you musta got a little projector in there cuz", or "Nah man, it's robots, it's gotta be robots" or "Fuckin' magnets, how do they work?". And then, a little part of me snapped inside, as if a sheer Ray of Stupid (which is a real spell by the way) snapped through my brain and every cell cried out in agony. And then, I threw one of the last things I had had in the bag at them in utter and pure rage.

Fortunately, it was the correct thing. You see, I had been seeing if I could put a "Magic Mouth" spell on a CD player, just as a trifle because I was bored. I think I either brought it along by accident or the damn shapeshifter put it in hoping to screw me up (As you will see, that failed spectacularly so HA I WON YOU SON OF A BITCH!). And, wouldn't you know it, it hit one of them, a big lard ball of a man, right in the gut. It stuck, which I think was due to adding too much saliva into the mixture, and then it started singing that terrible salsa CD I'd put in, gut-flesh talking like a god-damn. I'd never thought much of that spell, I usually use giant floating heads to communicate with those meddlesome fools who dare intervene in my plans, but they were hooked. They looked at it like it was a miracle from hell or some crap like that, and then I clearly knew that I had them.

It was then that the deal was struck. They'd join with me, and I'd meet up with them next monday to formulate the first part of our glorious conquest along with the rest of my "crew". And I think I hear the Ur-Elemental calling me, so I bid you adieu. And yes, I realize this is late, but I got sidetracked. Don't ask me how.

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