Monday, December 20, 2010

Things as they stand now

Well, I have come up with my latest brilliant scheme for conquest! You see, there are several chain stores around this town, ones that I wish to acquire. The trouble I face is that I really, really don't want to get under the watchful eye of their barristers or, in the case of Wal-Mart, the horrible eldritch monster pulling the strings. So I have come up with a plan with a bit more subtlety than I normally use. I will strike one of these stores, probably the near Park Mall due to its heavy amount of stuff, stealing everything into several bags of holding I have prepared. I will probably have to bring several of my thugs for the other bags, and the shapeshifter to help. The later is due to the fact that he refuses to shut up about wanting to go, and sewing his lips together doesn't work

 I have gotten the idea from your program about this "Grinch" fellow stealing Christmas (Apparently the name for this solstice holiday of yours), an effort which I surely applaud. Except for the part about the reforming and his heart growing three sizes that day. Of course, this should trouble me little given that my heart is a lump of charred meat filled with black magic and hate. Sure as fuck beats getting inspiration from the other christmas specials. You're the fucking personifications of elemental ice and fire, just kill them instead of singing your stupid little rinky-dink showtunes!

The dog is fine, and seems to be recovering as well. He is one of the few animals that I have met that does not despise my existence. It gets very annoying after a while to go through a stroll through the woods, and end with several wolves jaw-clamped on you like a fur coat of biting and pain (Dear Kyuss I need to make that into a magic item), so this is a good development. He seems to enjoy my company especially, and is currently licking my hand, which is especially odd given that I have made even Otyughs (For those of you don't know, think a trash-eating tentacled sewer-dwelling crocodile) pass out from just a lick of my phalange. Oh well,

Anyway, though he is one of the few creatures in the world that hates the Shapeshifter as much as I do, a fact which I applaud, he will make a poor guard dog, given his lack of stature and the fact that the little thing seems to suck all of the dignity in a room just by abiding there. It's like having a little clown traipsing through the room and climbing on my shoulder like a fat little parrot every time I try to make a speech to the minions in my basement. However, this hasn't discouraged me from trying to use him. I'll just have to try and find a way to create a magical weapon powered by irrational exuberance.

Well, next time I will tell you of the tale of Tiamat and the Ur-Elemental, and a bit on the Trogre himself, but until then my filthy peons, adieu!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I have acquired a small dog now

Yes, well the title is fairly self-explanitory. Apparently that knock at the door was not so much a "knock" as it was a "pathetic scraping", which I probably should have seen as a big tip off right there. I didn't see anything there when I opened it up, so I assumed it was the Shapeshifter's severed arm putzing with me again. Until I heard the whimpering and crying. I don't really know how I didn't hear that. Maybe it was the Tocatta and Fugue that I put on, but I digress.

It was a little dog, bleeding out on my front porch. Apparently you call this breed "pugs". The Duegar of my world have a similar breed, though in their language its name means something to the effect of "delicious meat-cake", but again I digress. I rarely get sentimental, but this little creature had the saddest little eyes I have ever seen, even moreso than those halflings whose town I torched back in Longran. It looked like it was truly alone in this world, like from the day it was born it had been unloved, toiling away for the meagerest of scraps in cold, hard moonlit streets that had shown it no mercy as the "heroes" who had murdered his family walked free and I think I am talking about myself again aren't I?

Anyway, digression aside, I saw a something of a kindred spirit in this little animal, bleeding and battered at my front doorstep. The Sorceress is healing it as we speak. I would do so myself, but I can't get within a hundred yards of healing magic for obvious reasons. I hope the little guy survives.

On the business side of things, the Trogre plan went off without a hitch. And, we apparently went memetic on 4-chan with this new "El Demonio Rey, Lord of Trolls" thing going on at /tg/. I can't say that I am not proud my filthy peons. But, I'm still pissed that I missed the 4th Avenue Street Fair because of that damned shapeshifter.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Yes, well, the law of Murphy has just made me its bitch. You know that matter I was called away for on that last post? Well, it has hit the fan. Apparently two of the gang members got caught while trying to collect, and wouldn't you know it, they took the Hoop of Mordenakiden's Magnificent Mansion and put it in the evidence file. This is bad. I always could make another one, but what would happen if they found out how to use it?! Or, worse yet, they break it. It's a little know fact that the enchantment for making said hoop has a clause that, when the hoop is broken, the mansion manifests in the real world. All fifty thousand tons of it. Either way, it would be like giving a monkey a crossbow, which is always amusing UNTIL YOU ARE RIGHT IN THE LINE OF FIRE! And what if they connect the dots and find out that El Demonio Rey; the scary; ranting skeleton man in a luchador mask, is actually Asmodeus Acerak; the scary; ranting skeleton man in a crown and robe?! It would be chaos I tell you, CHAOS!

So, for these last few days, I've been searching for the Shapeshifter. And for the amount of times he is in my hair, I could not for the life of me find him. I looked everywhere, even using Locate Person (Although all that did was give me an image of a hand extending one finger, I think you can guess which). And you know where it is that I found him? MY FUCKING BATHROOM! The one place I never use, and he's there. And don't think this was an accident, he specifically did this just to piss me off. It was around the point he said "You should have seen the look on your face" that things began to get a bit hazy. Needless to say he is currently a very sore array of parts on the floor slowly struggling to reform.

So, now I have decided "You know what, fuck it. Just fuck it", and sent the Trogre out to get it. Nobody  outside the house knows he exists, and for the most part he keeps to himself and his little rabbit farm. Besides, having a three-ton monster come to retrieve your crap is a great way to strike fear into the hearts of mortal men! Well that, or set yourself up for massive disappointment as he catches a raging attack of stupid. And I think I hear another knock at the door. I presume this means that either the Ur-Elemental's "tinkering" has bothered the neighbors yet-again, or one of the gang members just became a member of the Sorceress' "target practice". Until then, adieu my filthy peons.

Friday, December 3, 2010

On Gods

Well my filthy peons, on the issue of the next place to attack, I am deciding to wait until the 4th Avenue Street Fair to attack 4th Avenue, due to the fear it has struck in the hearts of men. Only trouble is, I don't know where to attack. I thought about the Wal-Mart, mainly as a source of rations and ammunition, but the aura of evil around the place makes me woozy. And I have far too much class to attack K-Mart. So, I'm still undecided on that.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Were' here to talk about wicked Gods, and my experiences thereof. Now, I am not much of a theist, given that I can't step within fifty feet of a church without bursting into flame, but I have found that the wickeder gods are useful for allying with. So, here are my experiences with the darker gods. As you'll notice, my gods bear a striking similarity to the gods of your roleplaying games. I really don't understand how that came to be, but it's easy for reference. 

Lolth- Working with Lolth's followers is like screaming to the heavens "HEY! I AM AN IDIOT WHO DESERVES TO BE LYING DEAD WITH A KNIFE IN MY BACK IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN CORNER OF THE UNDERDARK!" Plus, I hate spiders. Next!

Zehir. Same as with Lolth, except with the addendum of Number 34 of the Evil Overlord List "I will not turn into a snake. It never helps".


Khorne- What I like about his followers is that they are very, very easy to manipulate. You just scream "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" and they kill whatever you want them too. Sadly, I had to leave them be (And by that I mean run screaming away) when they discovered that I used magic and decided that my head would look very fetching on their master's skull throne

Slaanesh- THOSE SEX STAINS WILL NEVER COME OUT OF MY CARPET! Pass on worshipping her/him/it.

Tzeench- The trouble with him is that he and his followers are always scheming. which is admirable when you're planning a scheme with him but not so much when you're chatting with a cultist. One minute you're sipping on a cup of tea with them ,the next you wake up in a cauldron of ice with a kidney missing. Joke's on them, as I don't even have a kidney anymore. Although, they are a good way to get rid of minions you hate and make yourself a new regimen of horrible-blob-things all at once. 

Nurgle- Doesn't count, too "touchy-feely" for my taste. And plus, what he sees as "glorious gifts of plague and rot", I see as "potential for having one's own side start crapping out their own intestines"

That's all I can come up with now. Maybe I'll speak of some more later, especially Tiamat. Dear god, the stories I have to tell about her. Right now I'm hearing the sorceress talking about something phone-wise with my gang. And whatever it is, it sounds very ominous.