Sunday, October 31, 2010

I have found it!

Yes my filthy peons, I have finally found my disguise, my new name, my new face by which I shall rule this puny world under my eventual neon throne!

It all started when I was at the Swap Meet this Saturday. I was worried about where I was going to find this new identity, and thought that taking a walk in the fresh air at the Swap Meet would be good for me as well as giving me a break from making my bag-o-magic that I will use to convince those hooligans to join my cause. Unfortunately, it did not do me any good, what with the paucity of goods that night, the horrible stench of man-sweat permeating the air, and the terrible salsa music blaring from the speaker of almost every car (For the record, I bought a CD of the worst of it to use as a torture device). And then, I saw it. The find of a lifetime, at some rinky-dink little booth selling Jesus pictures and tiny crucifixes, which I carefully avoided touching. There was a selection of masks, made for what I think you call "Lucha Libre", and as I walked across the dusty aisle, I saw it.

The mask was a positively evil looking thing, of far superior quality to the other masks. The shape of the pattern on the front, the horrible eyes, the twisted colors of red, orange and black, all of a devilish, yet regal cast. It was as if some dark god had placed this in front of me as an omen for success in my pursuit of conquest. I asked the woman where it came from, she said it just came in the box with the other masks, with a small note written inside. I looked upon the note and it said "El Demonio Rey". I bought it on the spot, knowing that this would be the ticket to my destiny.

I bought myself a leather jacket, blue jeans, and black boots to complete this new identity of mine. For, I will not begin my campaign of conquest under the name Asmodeus Acerak, but instead under the name EL DEMONIO REY, THE DEMON KING! And soon, all of you will know it well, as the first step on my campaign of conquest.

Oh, and by the way, Happy Halloween. Goodnight!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Getting down to brass tacks.

Peons! As of now, I have realized something. I have been doing about fuck-all as of late to advance my plans for world domination. Like many grand revelations, this came to me when I was slightly drunk. Oaky, very drunk. Okay, five bottles of Captain Morgan drunk. My plans were to conquer this world, to trample it under my hob-nailed boot and unite it under my iron chains of rule, but as of late all I have been doing is watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 on YouTube. This is unforgivable!

But now, I have found the people who will be the first stepping stone of my plan for WORLD DOMINATION! You see, there is a gang in this town, that goes by the name Los Manos de Suerte. They are, quite frankly, the most unsuccessful gang I have ever seen, even compared to the ones of Willy the Questionable in my world. They are so pathetic that the police won't even try to follow them due to their incompetent. They appear of strong body and an intellect that is... tolerable, just held back by bad luck and inane leadership. I have seen them on one of your local news programs. Seems the leader had a bit of an accident involving a gun and tight pants, and now the stupid gang is leaderless. Scrying (You don't even want to know how I got that bit of hair to do that) revealed that they are meeting in an abandoned house by Broadway on Monday.

Now, it has been shown on this blog, that my fighting forces are not quite as up to snuff as I would prefer them to be (I will never forgive the goblins for that incident with the car). Not only that, but there are far fewer of them than I like, and the upper echelons I have brought with me (Along with that Golem) cannot make up for that fact (Not to mention that the Ur-Elemental's still stuck in his room, god knows what he's doing there). And so, these gang members, numbering in about thirty, could be the perfect way to bolster my forces until I can make the spell to summon reinforcements! With them as my army and I as its master, we shall raze the cities and burn the fields, an army to break the world in tow, Los Manos De Suerte and...

Crap. I have just realized that I have yet to come up with an identity to throw the cops off my trail. And the meeting with them is in two days! God damn am I in trouble! I'm just going to have to worry it over as I drift down to sleep.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Why I am going to be supervising my minions from now on.

Dear sweet Vecna I have been an idiot. You see, I brought minions with me through the portal, about 15 of them to be specific, mainly in preparation for my world-conquering plans. They are the most rigorously trained fighting force on the old world, every day working up their bodies and minds to steamroller this world with me as their leader, my glorious army shining as a beacon of darkness through a sea of light! They are also currently bored out of their skulls. They're getting bored with the TV I installed in their barracks, and most of them can't really read very well, so giving them books is out of the question. So, in the interest of preventing a boredom-induced mutiny, I let them go out and explore the town, making sure to scry on them through my crystal ball to intervene if they screwed up and telling them that if they didn't keep the "We're very avid cosplayers" ruse I would destroy them.

I really, really should not have let them do that. It was a disaster, everyone was screwing up. The Orcs were going on a raging bender, almost destroying the bar before I showed up, the Gnolls tried to rob a butcher shop and the stupid freaking goblins went on a stinking joyride! The one drow though was actually fairly decent, although he was buying a worrying amount of Rohypnol bottles.  You do not know how close a call it was, trying to teleport on each and every stupid stinking one of them. And the amount of gold I had to spend to keep them from calling the cops, not to mention the repair spells (Cleverly camouflaged by yours truly pretending to do hit things with a wrench as the spell worked its magic).

And if you're wondering how the goblins know how to drive a car when they haven't been in this world for very long, turns out they can't. I had to wrestle the wheel away from them when I teleported in. Turns out I can't drive either. At least I was able to cause less damage, and for some reason they called me a hero for saving (or at least making sure it was still salvageable) their car from those "midget ruffians" ( I swear to Torog that's what they actually said).

And I am never giving the Orcs booze after this! They would have turned the bar to rubble if I hadn't come along! I mean, it was like a pack of monkeys. They drank the whole damn bar dry, even the cleaning fluid! And two of them I found stuffed into the Centipede machine! I didn't even know they could contort like that!

From now on, I'm chaperoning them on their little trips out to make sure this never happens again. That and I'm giving them half-rations for a month, since they technically didn't break the ruse, but still need to be punished. And I am throwing away all that rohypnol, since god knows what that Drow is going to do with it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The actual god-damn scoop on demons.

Well, let's talk about demons my filthy peons, as I promised. I despise them. But, one must know how to deal with them, especially when they eventually come here and start fucking things up when I RULE THE WORLD! So, here's a stupid little article about them

 The first thing you must know is that most of them fit into two categories. The first is the KILL EVERYTHING kind, what in your D&D turbo-nerd terms would call "demons". They are obsessed with three things: murder, murder, and more murder. They are also morons. But they are deadly morons, usually with magic, stabby bits, scratchy bits, slammy bits, bitey bits, eye searingly horrible bits, blasts of any substance you can think of (God help you if you're blasted by an incubus) and jazz hands. Okay, not that last one, but you see my point. They are fairly easy to deal with using brute force, high explosives usually does the trick for me. Also, DO NOT HIRE THEM AT ANY COST! They will try and murder you without a second thought when they eventually get bored with you, and even before then they're utter rampaging cocks. You can never talk about anything with them without the subject turning to "killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill" or them talking about how stabbing a guy in the face is like fornicating. Oh dear Khorne I have heard more rants on that subject from them than I can count. Although, they do have excellent orgies.  Which I cannot join in due to my lack of genitals. Fuck.

The second kind of demon, the far more dangerous one, is the dealmakers, AKA the devils to all you grognards. These are the type that try and get you to sign over your immortal soul for something you really, really need/want that will usually screw you over any way due to the fact that they are unrepentant dicks. They try and position themselves as classy and elegant, when in reality they are more like your sleazy used car salesmen in nature. But I'll be damned if they aren't fucking good at it. One minute you're talking to them, and the next minute you've bought a mighty fortress that in actuality is a broken piece of crap with you're eternal soul. That actually happened to me once. Granted, the fucker died against the Terrasque trying to collect his due, but the point still stands. By the way, you probably aren't asking, what do they use the souls for? Well, part of it is magical power, part of it is building material, part of it is sexual lubricant. I was just as horrified to learn that last part as you probably were.

Anyway, the best way to deal with them is to just plug your ears and start singing (I recommend Rush's "Free Will" as a good choice) until they get annoyed and leave. It's that simple. Of course, you could get a really, really good lawyer to negotiate the deal so that you don't get screwed over and lose your soul (The most you can hope for is to only lose a foot or eye), but it is very, very hard to find a good enough lawyer to deal with a dealmaker, and it's a really bad idea to try and tempt fate like that. If you do it wrong, when you die you might end up in the Nine Hells being sodomized by a big, burly kyton named Hans.

Anyway, the reason why I really hate them is that, well first I need to explain something. Some of the dealmakers actually sell stuff for real cash instead of your immortal soul, mainly because demons like money as much as everyone else. But the thing is, while the stuff would be good, it usually has some gaping flaw with it, a flaw which you don't necessarily see until the hero turns it against you and you scream "NO, MY ONE WEAKNESS!" and you crumple into a steaming pile of meat on the floor (Or a temporary pile of dust for me). And there's literally no reason for them to do it, they wouldn't end up dead after my failure if they'd just sell some product that wasn't horribly flawed. They've explained it away as "the inherent evil within", but that statement stinks of utter bullshit, especially with that annoying reformed demon Rakak De'Uldar who always ALWAYS gets in my way.I just think they like fucking with me, especially due to the fact that they're some of the only things I can get the stuff from, so I have to keep coming back. Some day I am going to go down there and smack the shit out of Mammon, this I swear.

So, what about the demon/devil (Terms which I will keep using for simplicity's sake) lords and all their political dickery? Well, I'm getting sleepy now, so that'll have to wait for a while. I'll be looking about townfor any ways I can set my GLORIOUS WORLD-CONQUERING PLAN into motion. Good night filthy peons!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Several things,

Well, first off, I must announce that I finally have had somebody comment on here. Yay. And I wanted to mention a few things he brought up. He mentioned a storage unit to hold the Golem to keep the cops from looking in, and while that sounds tolerable, I think that an extra-big bag-o-holding would do the job much better. Hopefully I can get to making one this weekend.

And on the question of "Why can't I just raise an army of the dead to storm the living world," I must confess something. I am not a very good necromancer. Lichhood isn't really obtained in my world by using necromancy, but rather by screwing with healing energies in just a right way that it separates yet still leaves a connection between the soul and the body. In fact, most Necromancers mocked me for my lichhood, as their preferred method of necromantic ascension involved, and I quote the Sorceress on this, "massive, bloated, Im-not-compensating-for-anything titans of bad meat". Of course, when I used rotting magic to turn them from unholy terrors to the stuff that the custodians clean out of the privy-tank, they weren't laughing anymore, the filthy fucks. Of course, that's not to say I'm not skilled with other forms of magic. It took a lot of skill to put my phylactery into it's hiding spot, and to get it to teleport me where I died so that I didn't get stuck in said hidey-hole. And if any potential do-gooders want to know where it is so that you may slay me, HAVE FUN DEFEATING THE TARRASQUE YOU FUCKERS!

Sorry, lost my cool for a bit of a second there. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was demons. But I am sleepy now, so quite frankly I would like to go to bed, and you can wait for the scoop on demons in the morning.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Behold, filthy peons! My technology golem is finally complete! With it I will crush the world under my hob-nailed boot and take to my neon Vegas throne! It is bristling with all the finest magically enhanced weaponry Goodwill and the Swap Meet can provide! It has blenders enchanted to shred skin from a distance, laser pointers enhanced to form a beam capable of cutting through pure steel, armor made of the finest steel-plating and two whirring chainsaw arms I will use this as a weapon to conquer nations! Or at least a few cities before it gets blown to bits.

But... I think I fucked up on something thing. In testing it yesterday, I have a flaw: it is slow. Very slow. Slow as fucking molasses! I really don't get why, the spell was supposed to taken care of it, it should have accounted for the weight! Either it was the shapeshifter fucking things up AGAIN, I made it too heavy for even the spell to account for (Maybe I shouldn't have added that extra chainsaw), or maybe I should stop buying my spells from demons (they're cheap, but they will always, ALWAYS rip you off). Ah well, it will still work for my purposes, that is of starting my glorious journey towards CONQUERING THE WORLD!


Crap. I just realized something. If I try and conquer this world overtly, your police forces and armies are going to try and strike back, and probably crush me under their heel. And I don't have the resources to keep this going when they come. I'm going to have to think of a plan to build up my power in secret before I overtly start my attack. PEONS! Your suggestions would be invaluable to me at this time, give them to me in the comments. Right now, I'm gonna talk it over with the Sorceress

Monday, October 18, 2010

On Love Stillborn

Greetings filthy peons! My apologies for being so late with the updates, I just got lazy and spent the weekend watching MST3K, mainly for inspiration for my glorious plans through the muse of terrible B-movies and the mad scientists who inflict them upon people/automata. From Laserblast alone, I have gotten the idea for yet another backup plan to conquer this world when my first one inevitably fails...
 If it fails I mean.

Speaking of failure, I wanted to talk about something very personal to me. It's the Sorceress. I was thinking about her when I looked back upon my last post. She knows I have an attraction to her her, but she thinks it's the sort of skeevy molest-y love her other employers have shown her over the aeons (including a certain demon lord who will not be named). But that's not the case. I  feel a torrent of love for her the likes of which you mere peons cannot comprehend, and my heart aches (or at least it would if I had one) to tell her.

I love everything about her: Her sanity in the eye of the storm, her wit and intellect, the fact that she hasn't tried to murder me like every other sorceress I've hired. I even love the fact that she doesn't dress like a harlot like every other sorceress in my world. We were born to rule together, sitting on a throne of skulls upon a mountain of our enemies, dominating the world, us together in love.

But, it would never work. It's not the "We are as mayflies" issue, she apparently found a way to become immortal that avoids lichdom, but she's never told anyone how, but it's the issue of being undead. How was I supposed to know that I'd meet somebody like her when I met this. I'm an ugly son of a bitch in this eternal state of undeath, I'll admit this. I'm a bleached white walking bag of bones with a robe and crown, and I don't think she could ever love me like this. Certainly a phyiscal relationship is out of the question, unless she's really, really sick (Which I highly doubt). I'm too afraid to ask because I'm afraid she'll laugh me off. Or, even worse, hold me in utter contempt for even thinking of trying to love her, and run away from me. It's happened before.

I suppose I look like a sentimental twit now, weeping over an adolescent crush, don't I? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to have a drink. Several drinks. To hell with it the whole fucking bottle!

Oh, and on the Technology Golem IT IS DONE! More on that tomorrow.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Okay, now that I have fended off the Shapeshifter's attempts to ruin my golem for the 18th time this day, I supposes I will talk about something relevant to this month. One of my favorite things I've found in your pitiful world is this holiday you call Halloween.

 On our world we have a day that's sort of equivalent to your Halloween, which involves purging evil spirits from this world when the borders between realms are weakest, which gets very, very annoying when the evil spirits are in your employ. But here, you embrace the horror, embrace the terrible monsters, and even celebrate them with your costumes instead of using them to chase the demons away (It doesn't work in my realm, the demons there have seen far worse). I like that in a people, and I will make the entire month of October one long Halloween when I come to rule, skies darkened and beasts that go bump in the night rampaging across the land and skies, terrorizing the people, and I'm getting in one of my more "theatrical" moods now aren't I?

 Anyway, and so, it gave me great pleasure when the Sorceress mentioned that from her travails, she found that there are several Halloween stores in this town, and knowing this I managed to view these fine establishments. And so, I went to look for some items that I could enchant (due to the fact that the latent feelings surrounding this season enhances the magical potential of these items, more on that later), and was not disappointed. Here's my list of items that I have bought FOR MY QUEST FOR WORLD DOMINATION!

Random Plastic Crap- I generalize here because I consider these minor trinkets useful but not too important. Make no mistake though, I consider them very useful indeed. The little plastic rats/zombie-finger-puppets/little plastic skulls could be used as a swarm to choke my enemies to death with the right magic to get them moving. The plastic eyeballs will be used as rolling sentries (I would use the sticky eyeballs but the debris blocks my view), the slime could be animated and used to secretively deliver spells, and the monster fingers could be used as spell-blasting items (that one was the Sorceress' idea, Tzeench bless here). Of course, I'm still looking for more.

Sexy Costumes- I bought these for the Sorceress. She refused all of them. Dammit.

Fog Machine-This is the perfect thing to spew my "Spell of Confusion" from! Think about it, one minute you walk into the strange fog and BAM you're in a nightmare world where you can't tell friend from foe while I sneak over to the lever to open the trapdoor into the spike pit. Or I could make them think they're in a world of talking fish, chocolate houses and giant, angry chickens, mainly because it's really,really funny to watch. This will work particularly well because, the way the spell works, it has to have a medium to transfer through. Before this, I usually used a steam bellows, which got particularly annoying whenever some hero would always stab it and break it, which generally put the kibosh on whatever plans I was attempting that time. But given that this is a far smaller target, I have high confidence in it's success, although the Sorceress' still wants to put armor on it just in case. This is why I love her my filthy peons, she's always the one who patches up the holes in my plans, and makes the incoming defeat seem much less inevitable.

Foam Rubber Thingies- Kinda hard to explain, but basically they're those giant fakey spiders, zombie upper halves, demonic clown mannequins and all that other fancy decoration stuff that is way too expensive for its own good. I saw them, and I knew I had my perfect "backup plan" weapon if somebody (90% sure it's going to be the Shapeshifter) breaks my golem. I bought around four zombie torsos and one demonic clown mannequin, mainly because they were the creepiest and thus were more likely to attract "fear magic" to them to enhance their power (More on that later). Of course when I brought them home the Sorceress asked the question that I probably should have seen coming: "Don't they have rubber teeth too?". Crap. Note to self: Add some iron claws and jaws when I inevitably animate them.

Candy- No real world-domination reasons for this, I just think that you people have way better candy than my world. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get myself 2 giant bags of candy corn and Butterfingers and eat it all by myself. Well, maybe I'll share some with the Sorceress.

And if there's some stuff I've overlooked, tell me my dear readers, and I shall spend a bit more coin on it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Why Nevada?

Well, the Technology golem is near finished, ready to step into the world to usher in a new reign of terror with it's splattering blades, spurting weapons and hideous bulk, my one weapon to begin my glorious crusade against your world! Well, at least until it's done. Yes, apparently the spells I have prepared to give this being unholy LIFE! take some time to prepare, a week AT LEAST! Oh well, I guess I can wait, and hope the Shapeshifter doesn't screw it up.

And anyway, I'm sure that all my readers (Yes, all one of you) would like to know why I'd want to pick Nevada as the state I'd conquer. Well, the thing is, every evil leader needs an evil country to command, a "Mordor" in your terms if you will, to strike fear into the hearts of his foes who come to slay him in this inhospitable wasteland! And everything I have read about the place says that Nevada is a windswept desert where little life survives, where water exists in rare quantities and that will soon become completely inhospitable for life once the least drop of water disappears! The perfect place for an overlord such as myself!

But also, here's what makes it a "must-conquer" for me! Every evil overlord needs an evil city, a place so wicked and vile that even the most wretched hive sof scum and villainy would be horrified to look upon it! And the exemplar of that city in your world, my peons, is Las Vegas from where I will rule on a neon throne! And plus, the buffets sound delicious.

Now I must go, for I think I hear the Shapeshifter sneaking up upon my golem.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Short post today

Why is it a short post? Because I am putting the final touches on my technology golem with which I shall use as an engine of war to conquer the world. Well that, and I am feeling lazy today.

The Ur-Elemental seemed really happy today. When I asked him what for, he said "Today, I have found a truth somewhat, shall I say, unexpected about this world's elements. I must investigate this further, but it may prove useful in your quest for power." and off he hovered back into his room.  Apparently he's discovered something called "The Periodic Table" that talks about the one hundred and ten materials that your science considers elements. I never really got that. I mean, how for the love of Vecna is tin or lead an element? Anyhoo, I'll report on this as it comes, and maybe talk a little bit about the Ur-Elemental.

Anyway, for all of my one subscribers, I would like to answer the obvious question that came up on last nights post: can Liches eat. And the answer is yes, yes we can. It just turns into necrotic energy, that one usually has to spew out at some time or another. I usually keep mine stored in jars to power my legions upon legions of siege engines which I will roll out on this world's day of reckoning, or to throw at people I hate. Of course, a lich cannot taste said food unless he uses a ritual to attach a living tongue to his mouth. For example, my tongue is made from ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FUCKING SHAPESHIFTER, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU SON OF A BITCH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dammit, I lost my cool again. And anyway, he grew it back, much to my eternal disappointment.

And that's all I have for tonight. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be getting back to watching Adventure Time.

On Minions: Elementals

Well, I've been working all day in my lab, trying to sketch out a concept for my next creation: the technology golem, which is why I have been so late in posting my latest missive. The hot wings last night were delicious, although not quite what I had anticipated (In our world they usually are covered in a paste of black pepper and goose grease). So, I was thinking, if I were to show you filthy peons my plans laid bare, then I might as well tell you what it TAKES to be an evil overlord! For, you see, evil overlording is a mater of strategy and using your resources well as much as it is about gloating and designing eldritch war machines/deathtraps, and so I might as well show them to you so that you may know the tricks of the trade. Of course, buy the time you've amassed a small amount of territory, I will probably be there to kill you as a threat to my power. But at least you'll die knowing you got killed by the best!

Anyway, today I would like to talk about minions, specifically ELEMENTALS! There is nothing that scares the living daylights out of your foes on the field of battle then walking things of flame, titans of air, blasts of wind, and torrents of water. But, there are several things one must know to keep them handy.

Firstly, know that one has to periodically refuel an elemental to make up for materials lost, usually using water for the water elemental, wood for the fire elemental, something burning for the wind elemental, and a rock for the earth elemental. I do so adore throwing rocks at people for them to get punched in the face by an angry earth elemental. I do not suggest using corpses from the battlefield as a substitute for any of them (whether they be bones for stones, blood for water, and meat for fuel) for while it may look incredibly, incredibly epic and terror-inspiring, said-refueled creations have a high chance of going insane and trying to murder you. I learned this the hard way. The stains never really came out of the castle wall.

Secondly they are stupid. Profoundly. Fucking. Stupid. Every time you want them to move, they always cause collateral damage, and I have lost far too many men in battle to a lumbering dope of an elemental smashing through my ranks. So, it is perhaps smartest to keep them in front and direct them like one would a very stupid puppy tossing them a treat of their favorite fuel. And on their off time, they have a one track god-damn mind, because it's in their stupid-magically-wired-in-nature, always trying to drown everyone or burn your castle down, or turn your castle to rubble or SCATTER HALF OF YOUR FUCKING SPELLBOOKS TO THE WINDS SO THAT YOU HAVE TO GO ON A STUPID MCGUFFIN QUEST TO FIND THEM!

I apologize for that loss of composure. Anyway, I suggest to keep them occupied outside of battle by using them for practical purposes, like water in a moat or a torch on a wall, or as a substitute for a wall that they fucking broke. And if not, they always respond well to punishment. Nothing gets a stray elemental back in line like the threat of dungheap duty.

As for battle, I've always found that they're not just good as juggernauts leading the line in a gloriously wicked charge to break enemy defenses, but also for stealthy reconnaissance and sabotage. Many a time I have brought out the "Torch-o-Peace" to give to an enemy, which in actuality was filled with fire elementals. They burn down the town in a wondrous inferno, and we swoop in to attack in the state of confusion, and I make a speech in the center of town calling them all FOOLS! The reconnaissance part is also a good way to combine punishment and work if you give them sewer duty. And plus, although air elementals work better for reconnaissance, there is nothing more shocking than having a water and/or earth elemental come out of the privy-hole.

And on a final note, if you want to combine two of the elementals, it can work, but if you don't know what you're doing you'll end up with a very very mad (In both senses of the word) amorphous blob out for your blood. Again, I know this from experience. Of course, it didn't help that THE FUCKING SHAPESHFITER MADE ME FUCK UP THE RITUAL! I HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT MAN/WOMAN/HERMAPHRODITHE THING!

Okay, I lost my cool there, but he doesn't really help my problems with elementals given that he always, always, always keeps fucking me over by leading them astray, especially by posing as fuel for them at the worst possible place for me. Like the time he posed as a rock to get the earth elemental to punch out our wall, or him recently (As in around WHEN WE GOT HERE) posing as a giant woodpile to get the fire elemental to try (emphasis on the word try) and burn down my stack of hundred-dollar bills (I really don't get paper money at all, but that's for another post) or when he got the wind elemental to scatter all my books and FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM, I WOULD STRANGLE HIM IF HE HAD A REAL NECKHOLE!

:Sigh:, but I guess I'm gonna have to live with it. Hopefully you've gotten some good insight inbetween my ranting about morons. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look up a good recipe for hotwings.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I hate that shapeshifter.

Well, the argument's over, with only a few singes on the rug and a few ice chunks on the celling. Apparently the Shapeshifter turned himself into a rock in the Ur-Elemental's room, somehow screwing up the Ur-Elemental's ritual, and now it's raining herring in his room. Lovely. I can smell it from in here, even with my rotten nose.

I hate that shapeshifter. He says he comes from a lost race of fae, or the remains of a dead god, or a homunculus made by the world's greatest alchemist, the story changes each time he says it. Point is, he lies like a devil, possibly even more than one. I don't even know how I hired him either. One day he was just, there. I don't know why I didn't question it. Probably because I had a terrible hangover the morning he showed up (And yes, a Lich can get drunk, it just takes more booze) and because he was very, very good at his job of infiltrating my rivals, gaining their trust, and stabbing them in the back when they weren't looking. Unfortunately he would also do this to my army when they weren't looking. I still remember when he masqueraded as a stew pot and killed twenty of my best men.

And he just loved pissing me off, disguising himself as my throne and yanking himself away just as I was about to sit on it. Or disguising himself as some gold pieces and then jumping out and dancing a merry jig on the vendor's head just as I was about to buy my illicit spell components. I will never forgive him for screwing me out of that Seraphbrain.

And he's still fucking at it! You know, I haven't had to use disguise magic due to being able to convince everyone in the neighborhood that we're just a troupe of very avid cosplayers (You people can be such morons sometimes), but it's very hard to maintain that facade when you've got that son of a bitch going around as a walking "Keep Left" sign or a transsexual lumberjack (Note to self: I am never letting him watch Monty Python ever again).

And the worst part is, you can't kill him! Chop him up into a billion pieces and those billion pieces will transform into the shape of a hand giving you the finger. And he refuses to leave! Whenever I teleport him away, the very next day he's standing by my bed MOCKING me!. And it's always in the shape of a cat for some stupid reason! So, I'm going to be stuck with him until one of us dies horribly.

God damn that ranting has made me angry. I'm going to go drink now. Maybe with some hotwings.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Getting settled in.

Well, all that money bought us a decent two-story house with basement (perfect barracks for my minions), which will be perfect as a base of operations for the time being, and I still have a fair amount of cash left over until I can get the rest of my hoard out of my old dimension. I'm writing this in the middle of unpacking my tomes and eldritch instruments, most of which are intact. Although, my ripped Tome of Suffering is currently emitting a rather annoying scream and creating a bloody stain right on the fucking carpet.

My main team is getting situated too. The Trogre (Half troll, half ogre, all dumb) is staying out back in the shed because A) It is very hard to fit a fucking Trogre in a house, and B)He prefers it out there anyway. The Sourceress, my partner in crime for 150 years and counting, is making her own "pleasure den" in the room next to mine, complete with very lovely skull bed. :Sigh: Some days she makes me wish I still had genitals. The fucking shapeshifter does not get a room because he tends to sleep in the nooks and crannies of the house, usually where it pisses me off the most. I hate him so much. But I'll save that for another post.  I'm afraid to go into the Ur-Elemental's room, what with three-fourths of it being either on fire, frozen, arcing with electricity or covered with limitless rains of falling rocks (I hate it when he does that).

Crap. I think I just heard the Shapeshifter and the Ur-Elemental getting in a fight. This could be bad, so I'll write more later.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Welcome, you filthy peons!

Greetings soon-to-be subjects on this realm you call Earth!

I am Asmodeus Acerack, Dread Lich and convener with the dark powers, come to this place from another space, a world that one would only think exists in tales of wild fantasy, using a dread ritual that involves 13 dead unicorns, the still-beating heart of a hero, the hair of a fair maiden and a very angry bear!

I plan to conquer this place, and rule it with an skeletal fist of necromantic iron. Well, at least when I get another portal for my army that is! I can't believe that the portal only let twenty people in! The demon who sold it to me said that it would let in at least a hundred. God-damned demons and their tourettes-like compulsion to betray... Where was I?

O the skies will shake under my magics the likes of which your world has never seen! I know well the secrets that lie beneath, while your world hasn't the faintest inkling of it's dark powers. I have observed your world well through my scrying on your internets (Dear Slaanesh, you people are perverts!), and I am turning my hoard of gold into the currency of this land through a convenient cash-for-gold service (In fact, I'm writing this in their lobby)! As soon as I get myself established, I will take your modern conveniences and combining them with my black sourcery I will conquer this world, or at least a state, preferably Nevada.

The reason I am making this blog, peons, is that I want a history to be kept of the timeline of my world conquest, and what a better way to do it than the humble blog you people seem to be so fond of. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I heard them say that they have my cash on the intercom, so I will post more of my glorious travails later.