Sunday, June 26, 2011

Well, Fuck Me!

Things have not been going well. First, that fireworks dragon I've been talking about? It was a bust. Apparently I forgot that a little thing called "Waterproofing", as Santo Christo (Not his real name, but I don't give two fucks, smug bastard) quite unkindly showed me with a bucketful of water to the face. And my attempts to negate this with the power of gasoline... Well, let's just say that I've been rubbing on Aloe for five days and it STILL hurts like balls. Though being semi-sorta-undead does not help. Well there's ONE THOUSAND bucks of fireworks, half a year's worth of work and fifty dollars for that megaphone down the privy-hole.

Of course, because of this the local news is now calling my pseudonym "El Demonio Rey""La Pollo Loco". From what I can understand this means "The Crazy Chicken" in the language you call Spanish*. And it's a female crazy chicken at that. This is unacceptable. Perhaps I'll send the Shapeshifter to deal with them... No, I think I'll just ask the Sorceress to whip up a quick Mordrek Fucktail**. No news organization ever deserves the Shapeshifter.

The gang-members are currently playing poker with my other minions while Doggy (As I Have decided to call him. So sue me, I'm uncreative) sits on my lap. Well, they're playing poker with all my minions except for the drow.  Last time I let him play poker it ended with several angry Driders, a few angry goblins and one very pissed off Purple Dragon. Dear god, I have no fucking idea how he found a purple dragon and got him to play poker.

Oh, and that article on the other crappy monsters I got? Well, maybe later. For now, I have to break up another brawl at the table. How many times do I have to tell the orcs that YOU DO NOT EAT THE FUCKING CARDS!

* Honestly I don't get you people's languages. I mean you only have humans here, and yet you have languages upon languages. In my world it's one language, one race (And I mean Human/Elves/Dwarves, not ethnicities). It's so much simpler that way. So much less to learn, and so much easier to throw out death threats.
** Pioneered by Emperor Mordrek the Not-Really-A-Hand Handed (Don't ask), it involves zombies, fire and paper mache, and that all I'm going to tell you.