Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Updates Galore!

Well my peons, given that I am a wizard, it should come as no surprise that I tend to tinker with making magic items, often several at once. And today I have decided to dedicate this post to showcasing my various projects in an effort to both CRUSH THE CITY BENEATH MY BONY THUMB and to make a little cash on the side (The latter part was the sorceress' suggestion). So, here's a list:

The Halloween Stuff- I'm just mentioning this because I wanted to clear up what the hell happened with that first project I mentioned. It did not go well, if by did not go well you mean EVERYTHING TRIED TO KILL ME WHEN I ENCHANTED THEM! Part of this was me acting in haste when making it, cutting corners on the rituals and enchantments and other such things to get it finished by the Christmas Rush*. Another part of this was the fact that The Shapeshifter REPLACED MY FUCKING QUARTZ POWDER WITH PIXIE STIX! Again, I didn't notice this exchange of a VITAL INGREDIENT due to said rush. Needless to say, abominations were spawned, expletives were screamed, fire was thrown, and now I have an angry steam-breathing ooze of sentient plastic living in a pit in my basement as a "Dear god the cops have found me out" last resort. So, lemons from lemonade and all that.

The Magic Souped-Up Car- Yes, I was planning to make an evil chariot of doom out of my car, with Wands Of Magic Missile and Launchers of Alchemist's Frost studding it's gleaming black surface, screaming through the streets singing unholy incantations and I'm rambling aren't I. But The Sorceress, in her infinite sanity reminded me that it'd be best if I didn't use the same car we buy groceries with to turn into a highly conspicuous mobile death machine, especially when we don't even have a garage to hide it in (the Backyard is out of the question thanks to the Trogre). So I'm just stuck thinking of a way to do it and keep it hidden. Bags of holding are out of the question, too unweildy and very easy to break. Any ideas my peons?

The Womb of Ooze- The Drow has apparently bought me a thing you call a fleshlight of of the internet. It is apparently a convenient and pathetic substitute for a woman, though slightly less pathetic than one's own pleasure golem (I'll get to that in another story). I cannot tell whether this is a joke on his part or an honest attempt at perversion. you can never quite tell with him. So, in the interest of petty mockery, I've decided to convert it into a factory for any ooze I please, just press the button, shake vigorously at waist level, insert some protein, and the ooze of your choice is incubated, ready to be splurted out at someone's face at the slightest notice! Everytime I mention this to the Sorceress she keeps giggling.... Wait... FUCK!

Taser of Shocky Joy!- My human minions apparently like smoking the buds of the herb you call Marajuana, which is apparently illegal due to, from what I can gather via research, an intense hatred for ethnic people in your early twentieth century**. And, in a stroke of brilliance if I do say so myself, I came up with the idea to put the essence of said herb into the directed lightning weapon you call a taser fo sale. It's the high of marajuana with the legality of a weapon that lets you fry your hated enemies' nervous systems like a strip of bacon, all for the cost of a pair of batteries! Now the trouble is advertising them...

*And by "rush" I mean theft-spree
** Oddly enough, we had a similar situation in my old world, just replace ethnic people with kobolds and marajauana with otyugh stuffed with hallucinogenic mushrooms. It's a shame too, the high was exquisite.

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