Friday, July 15, 2011

No Sympathy for the Devil

HA! I BEAT THAT FUCKER! I BEAT CHRISTO! His wrestling holds were no match for the sheer brute force of the Trogre raining down upon his puny pate*. He was half-dead when the Trogre threw him in a flooded wash, and nobody could possibly survive that! Of course, every time I've said that, they have survived, so I'll be keeping an eye out.

Anyway, I've been studying up on Demonology, specifically in your Ars Goetia, and man your demons are weird. I mean, their powerset is... scattered. On one hand they give you cheap divination tricks; making nice between friends; Doctor Dolittle** bullshit and; of all things; SCIENCE TEACHING. All these fail to impress me, given that I can do that crap with one hand tied behind my back.

On the other hand you have stuff like Baelful Polymorph, blowing up battleships with the weather, infesting every arrow you shoot with plague, causing castles to burst into flames, and other great nonsense like that. So your Hell's priorities are either really unfocused, or its demons are idiots. And plus, the stupid book says to rely on God's power to bind the demons instead of doing it your own damn self. This is proof that the writer was a massive pussy.

And speaking of massive pussies, let's talk about your head evil, this "Satan" you talk so much about. What a whiner. Everything I've read around on him has him bitching about "Oh, I wanna go back to heaven" or "Oh, humanity doesn't deserve God's awesomitude" and blah blah blah. Asmodeus never did any of that shit. He worked his ass off to get the same sort of hell that punk got for free, and when he did he didn't whine about being kicked out of heaven***. He just rolled up his sleeves and got to the business of taking souls.

But, since these guys are your worlds demons, I suppose it would be good to strike up a rapport with them, I'm thinking I'll contact Furfur and Baphomet. Furfur because, hey, he has lots of storm powers****, which'll come in handy in this parched desert craphole. Baphomet because I like his style. I mean, subverting an entire order of paladins (Albeit weakass ones without any powers) to your demonic cause? I like the cut of his jib!

So, that it. Next time, finally, THE STUPID MONSTERS RUNDOWN, PART TWO!

* Well, that and the actual rain at the time futzing with Christo's holds. Which I was totally the cause of. Sure. Let's go with that.
** I am, of course referring to the famous Druid, Hugh "Doctor" Dolittle from my world. I have no idea why you'd think I'd be referring to anybody else.
*** Technically the Seven Heavens of Celestia, but same-diff.
**** Not that I need any help with those mind you. It's just for minor assistance purposes, okay.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Asmodeus, new reader here.
    Anyway, I got a few things to say.
    Firstly, you should know that the devil-king is named lucifer, with satan being his title.

    Anyway, I think you're going after the wrong demons.
    If you really want a monster to bend the world to your will, I think the leviathan would be the one to do it, it's kinda seabound,but the whole being 300 miles long thing makes that irrelevant.

    But to get any demons, you'd need to work with Luke himself, and he's worse than the demon salesmen you've mentioned before.