Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

My peons, I am back! Did you miss me?! Probably not, given that I only have two readers, but fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. Well, since I've been gone for the past three-and-a-half months, let me fill you in.

 Plans are still going at the same rate they have been for expanding my reach, that is to say, not at all. My big "Send the fireworks-based fire snake into the mall AND LET CHAOS REIGN!!!" has not yet started thanks to a few failures by my Arch-Ememental. Well, more like several failures. Well, if you really want to get technical, several dozen failures. And it's not because of incompetence either, it's because that man... woman... thing of ambiguous gender always decides to take it one fucking step too far! "Hey Asmodeus, I'll add this TNT to the mix, it'll be awesome!" "Hey Asmodeus, this Gasoline will give it both body AND form!""What could possibly go wrong with adding TWELVE GALLONS of Jack Daniels to the mix.". Well, my filthy peons, you see that giant missing chunk of my house? Well, you can't because I have it illusioned away, and you're probably not there anyway, but THAT'S WHAT COULD GO FUCKING WRONG!

And it's no help that the police are resisting me in the few areas that I do have dominance in, thanks to that pudgy little security guard whining to the cops and setting up his own stupid neighborhood watch league. His name's Santo Christo, or some stupid shit like that, and apparently he's a pastor in his spare time, helps out at the orphanage in his other spare time, raises funds for charity, has saved a baby from a burning building, keeps stray cats at his house and OH DER GOD I WANT TO PUNCH HIS STUPID SMILING FACE! Well, at least I know now why that Mace had some hints of holy water combined with the usual chemical skin rape.

The dog is doing fine, and seems perkier than ever. He's an exuberant, joyous little thing, and even the Drow hasn't dared to try and feed the little guy to that giant spider he keeps by his bed. He likes to sleep by my toes in my bed, which I have to admit is rather adorable, and warms even my cold, dank, lying-in-a-Tarrasques' galladder soul. I also taught him tricks, more specifically how to widdle on The Shapeshifter's bed when he displeases me yet again (Like that incedent at the theater, which I need not discuss). So far, it has been a great success!

And finally, thanks to several well-placed bribes at the zoo, I have brought a substantial chunk of the monstrosities of my personal menagerie. Unfortunately, all I managed to get is the crappy ones. Details to be released WHENEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE IT!

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