Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

My peons, I am back! Did you miss me?! Probably not, given that I only have two readers, but fuck it, I'm doing it anyway. Well, since I've been gone for the past three-and-a-half months, let me fill you in.

 Plans are still going at the same rate they have been for expanding my reach, that is to say, not at all. My big "Send the fireworks-based fire snake into the mall AND LET CHAOS REIGN!!!" has not yet started thanks to a few failures by my Arch-Ememental. Well, more like several failures. Well, if you really want to get technical, several dozen failures. And it's not because of incompetence either, it's because that man... woman... thing of ambiguous gender always decides to take it one fucking step too far! "Hey Asmodeus, I'll add this TNT to the mix, it'll be awesome!" "Hey Asmodeus, this Gasoline will give it both body AND form!""What could possibly go wrong with adding TWELVE GALLONS of Jack Daniels to the mix.". Well, my filthy peons, you see that giant missing chunk of my house? Well, you can't because I have it illusioned away, and you're probably not there anyway, but THAT'S WHAT COULD GO FUCKING WRONG!

And it's no help that the police are resisting me in the few areas that I do have dominance in, thanks to that pudgy little security guard whining to the cops and setting up his own stupid neighborhood watch league. His name's Santo Christo, or some stupid shit like that, and apparently he's a pastor in his spare time, helps out at the orphanage in his other spare time, raises funds for charity, has saved a baby from a burning building, keeps stray cats at his house and OH DER GOD I WANT TO PUNCH HIS STUPID SMILING FACE! Well, at least I know now why that Mace had some hints of holy water combined with the usual chemical skin rape.

The dog is doing fine, and seems perkier than ever. He's an exuberant, joyous little thing, and even the Drow hasn't dared to try and feed the little guy to that giant spider he keeps by his bed. He likes to sleep by my toes in my bed, which I have to admit is rather adorable, and warms even my cold, dank, lying-in-a-Tarrasques' galladder soul. I also taught him tricks, more specifically how to widdle on The Shapeshifter's bed when he displeases me yet again (Like that incedent at the theater, which I need not discuss). So far, it has been a great success!

And finally, thanks to several well-placed bribes at the zoo, I have brought a substantial chunk of the monstrosities of my personal menagerie. Unfortunately, all I managed to get is the crappy ones. Details to be released WHENEVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE IT!

Failure and Hope

As you peons can tell, the mall venture did not go well. In the spirit of the season (Which I missed damnit) I'll tell you why IN RHYME!

It was Christmas Eve, December 2-5
Through a series of portals, me and my gang slithed
I had brought some bags of holding, some magic too
Ready to steal 'till the moneychangers went "Boo-hoo".
We snuck into the stores, and nicked from Borders to Sears,
Not knowing that night would end in our tears.
We stole all the games, the books and the clothes,
The appliances, the power tools, and a red rubber hose.
We stole them all through out the night,
Till we got wind of a horrible sight.
He was pudgy and duil faced, not at all mellow,
and as he ran his jowls shook like jello
"Hey you punks!" he screamed with a start,
And then he did something unexpected, off-the-charts.
He grabbed a small can, which on it said MACE
And brandished it to me and sprayed it in my face.

My magic I'd brought was geared towards offence and stealth,
I had brought none to hurt to preserve my own health.
And while I grappled for the Magic Missile in vain,
I was at once struck with a horrible pain.
That MACE, as you can clearly see,
seems to work well against liches like me.
I don't know whether it's magic, preservatives or what,
But I can tell you it hurt like a knife to the gut.
As my gang had brought no weapons, and the guard had two,
They dropped the sacks and away they flew.
Their leader was down, covered in mace,
and they were afraid and ran helter-skelter all over the place
I had anticipated my magic would work,
that the weapons could not hurt me of this oversized jerk.
But your technology has currently foiled my schemes
As my body felt like it was being ripped at the seams

I opened the portal, in my pain,
and yelled them to get in before I put a spell on their brain,
They ran, only one sack in my hand,
Down the portal, to the mansion on sand.
I yelled several swear words, some I had made up,
and shuddered in hurt as they pulled me up.
My body felt burning like never before,
Someday, I said, I would settle the score!
But as of now I've been trying to wash it away,
A hard enough task that I missed new years day.

My plan had failed, it had all gone kaput,
But instead of going to sulk in the soot,
I went out for hot wings, and then to the store
To see if I could cheer myself up, since I was still a bit sore
But as I strode the store's aisle, I looked and spied,
A some bundles of fireworks at the corner of my eye.
A thought came into my head, and I turned with a grin
As I came up with a new plan to utilize them for sin.

So in the end ,I have just this to say:
Merry Christmas to all and I'LL GET YOU FUCKS ANOTHER DAY!

Things as they stand now

Well, I have come up with my latest brilliant scheme for conquest! You see, there are several chain stores around this town, ones that I wish to acquire. The trouble I face is that I really, really don't want to get under the watchful eye of their barristers or, in the case of Wal-Mart, the horrible eldritch monster pulling the strings. So I have come up with a plan with a bit more subtlety than I normally use. I will strike one of these stores, probably the near Park Mall due to its heavy amount of stuff, stealing everything into several bags of holding I have prepared. I will probably have to bring several of my thugs for the other bags, and the shapeshifter to help. The later is due to the fact that he refuses to shut up about wanting to go, and sewing his lips together doesn't work

 I have gotten the idea from your program about this "Grinch" fellow stealing Christmas (Apparently the name for this solstice holiday of yours), an effort which I surely applaud. Except for the part about the reforming and his heart growing three sizes that day. Of course, this should trouble me little given that my heart is a lump of charred meat filled with black magic and hate. Sure as fuck beats getting inspiration from the other christmas specials. You're the fucking personifications of elemental ice and fire, just kill them instead of singing your stupid little rinky-dink showtunes!

The dog is fine, and seems to be recovering as well. He is one of the few animals that I have met that does not despise my existence. It gets very annoying after a while to go through a stroll through the woods, and end with several wolves jaw-clamped on you like a fur coat of biting and pain (Dear Kyuss I need to make that into a magic item), so this is a good development. He seems to enjoy my company especially, and is currently licking my hand, which is especially odd given that I have made even Otyughs (For those of you don't know, think a trash-eating tentacled sewer-dwelling crocodile) pass out from just a lick of my phalange. Oh well,

Anyway, though he is one of the few creatures in the world that hates the Shapeshifter as much as I do, a fact which I applaud, he will make a poor guard dog, given his lack of stature and the fact that the little thing seems to suck all of the dignity in a room just by abiding there. It's like having a little clown traipsing through the room and climbing on my shoulder like a fat little parrot every time I try to make a speech to the minions in my basement. However, this hasn't discouraged me from trying to use him. I'll just have to try and find a way to create a magical weapon powered by irrational exuberance.

Well, next time I will tell you of the tale of Tiamat and the Ur-Elemental, and a bit on the Trogre himself, but until then my filthy peons, adieu!

I have acquired a small dog now

Yes, well the title is fairly self-explanitory. Apparently that knock at the door was not so much a "knock" as it was a "pathetic scraping", which I probably should have seen as a big tip off right there. I didn't see anything there when I opened it up, so I assumed it was the Shapeshifter's severed arm putzing with me again. Until I heard the whimpering and crying. I don't really know how I didn't hear that. Maybe it was the Tocatta and Fugue that I put on, but I digress.

It was a little dog, bleeding out on my front porch. Apparently you call this breed "pugs". The Duegar of my world have a similar breed, though in their language its name means something to the effect of "delicious meat-cake", but again I digress. I rarely get sentimental, but this little creature had the saddest little eyes I have ever seen, even moreso than those halflings whose town I torched back in Longran. It looked like it was truly alone in this world, like from the day it was born it had been unloved, toiling away for the meagerest of scraps in cold, hard moonlit streets that had shown it no mercy as the "heroes" who had murdered his family walked free and I think I am talking about myself again aren't I?

Anyway, digression aside, I saw a something of a kindred spirit in this little animal, bleeding and battered at my front doorstep. The Sorceress is healing it as we speak. I would do so myself, but I can't get within a hundred yards of healing magic for obvious reasons. I hope the little guy survives.

On the business side of things, the Trogre plan went off without a hitch. And, we apparently went memetic on 4-chan with this new "El Demonio Rey, Lord of Trolls" thing going on at /tg/. I can't say that I am not proud my filthy peons. But, I'm still pissed that I missed the 4th Avenue Street Fair because of that damned shapeshifter.

SCREAMING MOUNDS OF FUCKSMACK I'M IN TROUBLE!

Yes, well, the law of Murphy has just made me its bitch. You know that matter I was called away for on that last post? Well, it has hit the fan. Apparently two of the gang members got caught while trying to collect, and wouldn't you know it, they took the Hoop of Mordenakiden's Magnificent Mansion and put it in the evidence file. This is bad. I always could make another one, but what would happen if they found out how to use it?! Or, worse yet, they break it. It's a little know fact that the enchantment for making said hoop has a clause that, when the hoop is broken, the mansion manifests in the real world. All fifty thousand tons of it. Either way, it would be like giving a monkey a crossbow, which is always amusing UNTIL YOU ARE RIGHT IN THE LINE OF FIRE! And what if they connect the dots and find out that El Demonio Rey; the scary; ranting skeleton man in a luchador mask, is actually Asmodeus Acerak; the scary; ranting skeleton man in a crown and robe?! It would be chaos I tell you, CHAOS!

So, for these last few days, I've been searching for the Shapeshifter. And for the amount of times he is in my hair, I could not for the life of me find him. I looked everywhere, even using Locate Person (Although all that did was give me an image of a hand extending one finger, I think you can guess which). And you know where it is that I found him? MY FUCKING BATHROOM! The one place I never use, and he's there. And don't think this was an accident, he specifically did this just to piss me off. It was around the point he said "You should have seen the look on your face" that things began to get a bit hazy. Needless to say he is currently a very sore array of parts on the floor slowly struggling to reform.

So, now I have decided "You know what, fuck it. Just fuck it", and sent the Trogre out to get it. Nobody  outside the house knows he exists, and for the most part he keeps to himself and his little rabbit farm. Besides, having a three-ton monster come to retrieve your crap is a great way to strike fear into the hearts of mortal men! Well that, or set yourself up for massive disappointment as he catches a raging attack of stupid. And I think I hear another knock at the door. I presume this means that either the Ur-Elemental's "tinkering" has bothered the neighbors yet-again, or one of the gang members just became a member of the Sorceress' "target practice". Until then, adieu my filthy peons.

On Gods

Well my filthy peons, on the issue of the next place to attack, I am deciding to wait until the 4th Avenue Street Fair to attack 4th Avenue, due to the fear it has struck in the hearts of men. Only trouble is, I don't know where to attack. I thought about the Wal-Mart, mainly as a source of rations and ammunition, but the aura of evil around the place makes me woozy. And I have far too much class to attack K-Mart. So, I'm still undecided on that.

But that's not what we're here to talk about today. Were' here to talk about wicked Gods, and my experiences thereof. Now, I am not much of a theist, given that I can't step within fifty feet of a church without bursting into flame, but I have found that the wickeder gods are useful for allying with. So, here are my experiences with the darker gods. As you'll notice, my gods bear a striking similarity to the gods of your roleplaying games. I really don't understand how that came to be, but it's easy for reference. 

Lolth- Working with Lolth's followers is like screaming to the heavens "HEY! I AM AN IDIOT WHO DESERVES TO BE LYING DEAD WITH A KNIFE IN MY BACK IN SOME GOD FORSAKEN CORNER OF THE UNDERDARK!" Plus, I hate spiders. Next!

Zehir. Same as with Lolth, except with the addendum of Number 34 of the Evil Overlord List "I will not turn into a snake. It never helps".

Nerull- YES, WE GET IT, LIFE IS AN ABOMINATION THAT SHOULD BE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE! NOW SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!

Khorne- What I like about his followers is that they are very, very easy to manipulate. You just scream "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" and they kill whatever you want them too. Sadly, I had to leave them be (And by that I mean run screaming away) when they discovered that I used magic and decided that my head would look very fetching on their master's skull throne

Slaanesh- THOSE SEX STAINS WILL NEVER COME OUT OF MY CARPET! Pass on worshipping her/him/it.

Tzeench- The trouble with him is that he and his followers are always scheming. which is admirable when you're planning a scheme with him but not so much when you're chatting with a cultist. One minute you're sipping on a cup of tea with them ,the next you wake up in a cauldron of ice with a kidney missing. Joke's on them, as I don't even have a kidney anymore. Although, they are a good way to get rid of minions you hate and make yourself a new regimen of horrible-blob-things all at once. 

Nurgle- Doesn't count, too "touchy-feely" for my taste. And plus, what he sees as "glorious gifts of plague and rot", I see as "potential for having one's own side start crapping out their own intestines"

That's all I can come up with now. Maybe I'll speak of some more later, especially Tiamat. Dear god, the stories I have to tell about her. Right now I'm hearing the sorceress talking about something phone-wise with my gang. And whatever it is, it sounds very ominous.

This day you call "Thanksgiving"...

Well, apparently this is a holiday in your world. I really had no idea it was coming up, I assumed that the imagery of religious pilgrims and turkeys in your grocery stores was to prepare your people for the ritual slaughter of turkeys. Apparently, from what I have seen on your television it involves football, hedonistic gluttony and genocide of indigenous peoples. Sounds just like the Drow's yearly "Koboldball" game. Dear sweet Jesus they had good unspecified-meat-pie. Such a shame then that I BLEW IT UP WITH MY HORDE OF GOBORCS HA HA HA!

...

I don't have to apologize to you. And besides, they were cutting their meat-pies with ankheg and dwarf baby. So, I prepared a feast with my ill-gotten downtown money and a bit of magic to prepare it. And no, I did not use a "Summon Food and Drink" spell. Everything that spell makes always tastes like cardboard coated sawdust, EUGH. And so, out of a whim, I have decided to compile a list of my thanks today. Because I feel like it that's why. So, here they are:

* I am thankful that I am not dead from the thousands and thousands of heroes sent to murder me.
* I am thankful that we were able to safely evacuate the house when the Ur-Elemental poured that tank of Mr. Clean upon that tank of Clorox to make a Chlorine elemental.
* I am thankful that the cops are too concerned with the Mexicans fleeing economic destitution to our shore than by my blatant hostile takeover of a major chunk of the city.
* I am thankful that was able to install several "Wands of Magic Missile" and "Wands of Binding Chains" under the hood of my car
* I am also thankful that the materials to make said wands are surprisingly easy to get at any local Party City.
* I am thankful that the Trogre did not eat any of my men.
* I am thankful that the dump sells toxic waste barrels in bulk with little-to-no-questions asked.
* I am thankful that the Sorceress is here to beat my henchmen with a stick when they get out of line, and to cover up the holes in my plans.
* I am thankful to all the readers of my blog, yes all ONE of you.
* And Finally, I am thankful for hot wings. Orcus-damn these things are good.

Well, that's all for tonight my filthy peons! See you at a hopefully not-too-delayed date!